<$BlogRSDUrl$>

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

The Passion of the Rhodan 

So earlier today we planned on going biking. Aidan, who was included in the plans purely out of the goodness of my heart, called and informed me that, "I can't go biking on snow". What he really meant was that, "My dad already made plans for me".

It all happened like this: Carr called Aidan after I talked with him and here is the conversation:

Little sister:Hello!
Carr: Hi, may I speak to Aidan please?
Little sister:Ok jus a second please!
1 minute later
Aidan: Whhhuut?
Carr:Hey it's Carr!
Aidan:Huuhh?
Carr:Hey man we're you sleeping, are you awake here?
Aidan:Say what.. uhh? huh?
Carr: (loudly and as clear as possible) Hello, Aidan. This is Bren-dan. Matt and I were thinking of go-ing bi-king once the snow melts.
Aidan:Oh uhh uhmm, yeah actually, uh hmm, yeah well my parents actually made plans for me.. yeah uh. yeah.
Carr:What kinda plans, man?
Aidan:Uhh we're going to see a movie. uh yeah.
Carr:What movie? (suppressing laughter)
Aidan:uhmm Passion of the Christ..
Carr:Burst of laughter. Duration = 2 minutes.

Carr called me moments after calling Aidan. I knew this because he burst out laughing as soon as I answered the phone. Clearly a conversation with Aidan had just taken place.

So then Aidan calls me at home and is like, "Yeah so I can't get a hold of my dad at work." Not knowing what he was talking about I just played along by asking "Yeah, so what are you doing today?" His reply was:

"Oh, I don't know"

Gee bud, are you sure you're not going over to westmall 8 to swap saliva with pappi? 'Cause in my opinion, movie theatre popcorn, some "pork" product wrapped in a bun and you're daddy's tongue down your throat is an unbeatable combination.

Sounds "A".


In order to wrap things up... we're going to start featuring a column where we review the movies Aidan sees with pappi. Since we're very, very far behind and have a lot of catching up to do, let's take a gander at the list we've been assembling since late September.

-Monkeybone
-MVP 2
-Kandahar
-Some soft core porn they rented from Roger's Video that I can't remember the name of but rather remember Aidan slobbering all over his chops whilst reminiscing about that night.
-Home on the range
-50 First Dates
-Open Range

And most recently, Hidalgo.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Globe and Mail... get your skinny ass out of the way! 

I am in no way a pacifist. Firstly, I supported the war in Iraq even though it was clearly a push for oil. But in these times of haste, maybe we've forgotten some of the atrocities commited by everyone's favorite dictator. What the U.S. did was in no way fair, but then again since when is modern warfare a fight between equalities? Even in the aftermath of the war, maybe good 'ol George had a vision too grand of billions of dollars in aid pouring into the rotten country. Alongside, perhaps, hundreds of countries subject to an economic boom investing in the shattered remains known as Iraq. Unfortunately, nothing along these lines really happened and just like after the first Gulf War, aid is widespread and the money going nowhere.

Surely I believe that it was necessary in all ways to remove Hussein even if he didn't have weapons grade Uranium or Plutonium or any WMDs for that matter. In the end, it should be clear to number of people, those we call thinkers, that Saddam did pose a threat, had no control over his country (airspace, international trade, foreign ministries, diplomatic relations, to name a few) and was mentally unstable. Would you let someone like that run your country? I know the coalition lied to get into Iraq and are probably still lying about the state the country is in, but I also know that it is all for the best. A safer world? You're going to argue with a stability in the Middle East? Please.

Now, since I do like to prove that I'm not entirely a huge ass, I do read the National Post.


Be sure to drop by gedstupit, the official site of everything stupit.

Monday, March 29, 2004

News from the 'Wood aka the PAINTBALL BLOG 

Ok, so as a follow up to the email that i sent out about paintball, here is the follow-up.

We're Golden This is because Young Guns had never heard of "Good Friday". So this is the day we're going.

By the Numbers

So far I have 5 people going.
The cost is 40$
For that we get 500 paintballs.
We get 4 hours of play time.

And the extras, we're renting spyder semi-autos, the standard version. I think they're 3 years old.

Our rules/House rules

-Ball must break
-No outside paint
-No picking paint off the ground
-No changing the Co2 levels
-No body armor, only cups if you so desire (hi graeme!)
-Paint grenades are like 10$ at the pro shop.

It is absolutely IMPERATIVE that you respond to me by email to confirm that you are coming. Since we plan to be a large group I NEED TO RESERVE EARLY.

Please send me an email @mifter when you know for sure. As long as you assholes are relying on me to plan everything, at least do me the favor of making things slightly easier by sending the email. Post you questions under this blog too. Try not to send them to me because I get enough garbage to respond to as it.

One more thing : If anyone else wants to come, (I do realise that I forgot to send out that email to every last person), please send the email to them or direct them to this site. Also, I need anyone who passes it on to tell me that they have and to whom they've relayed it. I need to know the number of people going BEFORE I reserve, which will hopefully be later on this week.

Get all the info here:
Young Guns

Monday, March 22, 2004

My bell, I got the ill communication 

Here is a new excerpt from my book, "The art and technique of dealing with little kids".

Enjoy.

i hate when u send people emails and they don t reply says:

ah me and alicia have dis whack idea and were gonna do it over spring break it s gonna b all fun

i once dabbled in pacifism, not in nam of course says:
sounds wack

i hate when u send people emails and they don t reply says:
i no did she already tell u

i once dabbled in pacifism, not in nam of course says:
not that i remember

i once dabbled in pacifism, not in nam of course says:
lets hear it

i hate when u send people emails and they don t reply says:
o ya my bad im not aloud to tell u

i once dabbled in pacifism, not in nam of course says:
sounds even wacker

i hate when u send people emails and they don t reply says:
so.................................

i hate when u send people emails and they don t reply says:
u no wat robby hit me in the head wit a fucking chair

i hate when u send people emails and they don t reply says:
is that not crazy


The subject starts the conversation in a classic, "I know something you don't know" fashion. This is reason A on why I firmly believe that buying 7 game hens will be, in the long run, more prosperous then raising a child.
Think of your alternatives. Sell a few birds or spend 100 thousand dollars to raise a kid. A lot of people don't know this, but game hen breed well in a dark damp area. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but wouldn't it be, no, sorry it wouldn't. What I was going to say was that if you did choose to raise children, it might not be too late.

As for the second part of this conversation, thank God someone's looking out for the people who plan to make a future free of little swags. Well done Fobler, the members of the association against little whining kids who sit in shopping carts and whine across America will be shipping you a commendatory medal in the mail. Expect it never to arrive.

Sadly, this was copied straight, and therefore, no editing was needed. Think about it, this needs no embellishment, so what good would it have done to make it unrealistic?


And now on to the part of the post where I burn Carr in a comically hilarious manner.
Anyways, he's not been commenting or posting because he was caught pants down in the bathroom with a box of tampons, 3 anal probes of varying sizes, and a hustler.

What a gongshow!

Thursday, March 18, 2004

You Matter 

Here is the first part of our new dictionary of schoolyard slang.
We hope to see it on bookshelves across Albania or some Balkan country by Easter.

Enjoy.

cocnut - n : The smell and sensation after having jizzed into a condom.

fuckin "A" - adj. : A congratulatory phrase, representing happiness. Very versatile phrase. ie. "'So I porked a chick last night.' 'Fuckin' A'."

props - n : The compliment given when something/someone deserves recognition. ie. "Props to Carr for having a show on East German TV".

pork - v. : To fuck, thrust, penetrate, etc.

jib - v. : riding a rail

(that's) money - ph. : When an action or happening has taken place and deserves to be accredited due to the prosperity resulting from

bait - v. : The action of setting a chump up for a burn. ie. "I baited the Bulk so that he was nearly in tears by the end of 2nd period".

chump - n. : Somebody who's easily pushed over. Oftentimes, the suffix "change" is added when describing a girl.

call 'em black, see - ph. : Self-explanatory, no definition needed.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Whoever said East Germany never had decent TV was wrong. 

Now to dissolve some widely held misconceptions. Notably those posts about Carr by Carr which are being attributed by Carr to my name. (Notice that Carr's name is plastered about this first sentence. If you don't understand why I suggest you post a comment, that way we can all kindly explain the irony of the situation as the gentlemen we are).

The "I like the taste of shit" comment was made by the Bulk. Who else could have thought up something so clever? And all the rest were made by Carr.

Just how did he find the time? Let's think. He hasn't been on a date in 6 months. He hasn't handed in a homework assignment in 8 months, and finally, hasn't stopped fantasizing about dipping his bald head in oil and rubbing it all over the Bulk's head in no less than 10 months.

Well, with that having been said, I'm off to Marmot this weekend. And as I sit here in my boxers putting off packing mygoggles, board, boots, and those clothes I'm supposed to be bringing, I guess this snow that's falling is sort of appropriate. I mean, in by best interests, I do want some real spring weather, but it can wait, because the snow is a good omen that says Marmot may be decent. (Ha, Unlikely).

Anyhow, before I leave I must remind you that "Brendan Carr - Undercover Occupational Hypnotherapist" airs this Sunday at nine, and I hope you all tune in.



East German Television money presents :
ßrendan Carr© in "Undercover Occupational Hypnotherapist"

Synopsis : This situational comedy presents the title character in 1936 Germany, where, under the rise of Facism, he is pitted against the minds of many members of the Nazi Party as they go to him for therapy. Mostly revolving around ßrendan Carr's© ride to hypnotherapy fame, this series also chronicles the trouble his son, Bobo, gets into while his dad is away from work. ßrendan Carr© is a single father just trying to make it in this word like so many others out there. He dates many girls but just can't ever seem to hang on long enough to throw a ring onto their fingers. In order to impress his son and the League of Practioning Psychiatrics (Die Liga von Praticing Psychiatern), he stakes out popular jive bars at night and brings home an alarming number of hookers. Eventually, and against the Fuhrer's will, he meets Eva Braun and this starts season two. And maybe, just maybe, in the end he learns what true love really is.

Due to the reality of this new comedy, I urge you all to give it a shot.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Now... I don't want to sound like I'm complaining... 

Yesterday my French teacher reminded me that I have (had now, I wrote it last night) to write a speech for our Open House on the 24th.
It wouldn't really have been such a problem if I were a more motivated student. Unfortunately, although it's probably for the best, I am not. I say this because if I were to actually show an ounce of happiness while relating the words "Holy" and "Cross" I would check myself into a mental institution so fast my hat would spin.
Yet, I wrote the damn thing anyways as to stay par with the views of the teachers. And man, at first I had this great idea. I was going to point out all the great things about our school in a last ditch effort to revive my motivation.
Then it occured to me. Is there really any motivation in the first place? Sure, you can argue that when you're younger, you enjoy school, because it's not boring and you get to fool around the entire time. (The latter being something we do despite our grade 9 status). But the fact of the matter is, when you're older, responsibility is just thrust upon you. By choice? Nah, this is East Germany bud. I thought about this in a variety of different ways, but in the end it's all the same, the only real reason to do anything productive is to avoid a confrontation with a teacher. And even then, you're bound to get more troubles thrown your way with the status of an achiever.

Anyways, I thought about writing the speach in that way, but then thought there must be an alternative method. And there is. Ever heard the term "Nazi-Rally"? I'm the proud bearer of the Iron Cross Second Class with Swords and Leaves, so obviously my second choice was to yell at the top of my lungs in the small, crowded, library. Problem? Nah, this is East Germany. Specifically?... Oh, let's say Bonn.

Upon a third review I came across the best idea of them all. I would come up, introduce myself as the president of student's union, announce I've spent nine years at the school, and then proclaim that "This school is terrible. If you want a better fifth-rate education I suggest you travel to the NORTH SIDE, and drop your child off at LAWTON!" I would end there, and with a polite thank you, I would step down from the podium. (Yeah, I admit I didn't want to abandon the entire Nazi repertoire).

When I was finished, the speach I wrote last night resembled that of someone who actually enjoyed their nine years in prison.

Boston (insert little circle with "R")  

I'll get around to it when I find time...

Amongst the many phrases that I am aware I use all too often, one stands out.
"You'd be surprised".
Amazing, I think I picked it up from Carr.

UPDATE: And here it is! ®

Thank you, Thank you.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?