Saturday, July 31, 2004
I'm King Lo-ort! There's a troll in Central Pa-aark!
Recently, I thought it would be funny to publish one of those questionnaires you always get on email with my own answers to those very questions. Then I changed my idea to having zany answers. THEN my idea became on where I posted the same answers to the same questionnaire, but riddled it with hilarious sexual innuendos and changed many of the questions to suit my perverted sense of humor. At that point, I realised I had downed one last beer and that my idea was almost as bad as the questionnaires themselves. So I decided to backtrack.
My backtracking led my feet to a sofa, where I comfortably sat down and experienced the cold sensation of a can. My beer came alive and as I cracked off the tab, the aluminum cylinder took the form of an angel... It was at that moment that I remembered having left the oven on. "Damn", I cursed silently to myself, slowly drifting off into slumber.
The backtracking had begun.
Yes, my friends, I started backtracking. I backtracked all the way back to a time when I was much younger, all the while with my guardian angel next to me. Oh, did I mention I was wearing red striped pyjamas? So there I was, staring at a reflection of myself in Holy Cross School, next to a grade seven version of Yap, who was standing at arm's distance from Carr. Suddenly, and without much warning, other than the backhand of the weary angel (and some light in my eye that kept blinking when things would spring to life - but what did the light mean?) the characters began to move and speak. Yap and Carr were arguing about something outside of Gareau's class and it was picture day so Carr was wearing his bowtie and Yap his pirate attire. Other kids were nearby as Yap threatened to pop a cap in Carr's ass, his peg leg a-flyin'. Carr responded with a half-hearted sob and ran into the washroom to enjoy a sec martini he had recently purchased from the janitor. Upon completion of the martini, the two schoolboys, (now wearing smiles) shook hands and agreed that next time, the martini would be divided in two equal parts, for each who had a yearning. I left the scene, wondering what the strange dream, not to mention the twist on what really happened, meant.
Next, I backtracked (wearing a smaller pair of pygamas) to a time past grade seven. Suddenly, I was thrown amidst a frenzy of activity. The pygamas did little good against the cold weather I was confronted with, but even colder was the scene which met my eyes. I, playing the role of myself, was a top a toboggan, at my birthday. I had the guys over and we were tearing up the ravine by my place, when all of a sudden, who should drive up? Why, none other than O'Carreigh Carr. He was made the focal point of attention because of his wrangler snowpants. Man, we were just so jealous that day. Of course by that time we had all heard of the new denim snowpants, but no one owned a pair, and to see them in real live action for the first time gave us all the willies!
My next backtrack took me way back to the only story that actually happened. (Note on the above stories - and everything you'll find on politics - just read the disclaimer). Oh, and the above stories started out as truths, but ended with twists - just try to find out where everything goes wrong! Right, so the only story that actually happened.
There I was, very young, and with Dibs, who was also jumping on the trampoline. We looked up to the neighbor's roof. (Now home to the finster's), And sitting a top was a member of the gathering at DD's house. Why they were on the roof, we'll never know, but what we do know, is that was one mighty roof party. Yup, one story up, with beer up the chimney. Anyhow, this is the part of the tale where my adventure came to an abrupt halt, after all, it was my turn to shoot stick, i was naked, (with this tiny little pair of pygamas beside me?!) and Will Ferrel was on SNL, where a troll was loose in Central Park.
My backtracking led my feet to a sofa, where I comfortably sat down and experienced the cold sensation of a can. My beer came alive and as I cracked off the tab, the aluminum cylinder took the form of an angel... It was at that moment that I remembered having left the oven on. "Damn", I cursed silently to myself, slowly drifting off into slumber.
The backtracking had begun.
Yes, my friends, I started backtracking. I backtracked all the way back to a time when I was much younger, all the while with my guardian angel next to me. Oh, did I mention I was wearing red striped pyjamas? So there I was, staring at a reflection of myself in Holy Cross School, next to a grade seven version of Yap, who was standing at arm's distance from Carr. Suddenly, and without much warning, other than the backhand of the weary angel (and some light in my eye that kept blinking when things would spring to life - but what did the light mean?) the characters began to move and speak. Yap and Carr were arguing about something outside of Gareau's class and it was picture day so Carr was wearing his bowtie and Yap his pirate attire. Other kids were nearby as Yap threatened to pop a cap in Carr's ass, his peg leg a-flyin'. Carr responded with a half-hearted sob and ran into the washroom to enjoy a sec martini he had recently purchased from the janitor. Upon completion of the martini, the two schoolboys, (now wearing smiles) shook hands and agreed that next time, the martini would be divided in two equal parts, for each who had a yearning. I left the scene, wondering what the strange dream, not to mention the twist on what really happened, meant.
Next, I backtracked (wearing a smaller pair of pygamas) to a time past grade seven. Suddenly, I was thrown amidst a frenzy of activity. The pygamas did little good against the cold weather I was confronted with, but even colder was the scene which met my eyes. I, playing the role of myself, was a top a toboggan, at my birthday. I had the guys over and we were tearing up the ravine by my place, when all of a sudden, who should drive up? Why, none other than O'Carreigh Carr. He was made the focal point of attention because of his wrangler snowpants. Man, we were just so jealous that day. Of course by that time we had all heard of the new denim snowpants, but no one owned a pair, and to see them in real live action for the first time gave us all the willies!
My next backtrack took me way back to the only story that actually happened. (Note on the above stories - and everything you'll find on politics - just read the disclaimer). Oh, and the above stories started out as truths, but ended with twists - just try to find out where everything goes wrong! Right, so the only story that actually happened.
There I was, very young, and with Dibs, who was also jumping on the trampoline. We looked up to the neighbor's roof. (Now home to the finster's), And sitting a top was a member of the gathering at DD's house. Why they were on the roof, we'll never know, but what we do know, is that was one mighty roof party. Yup, one story up, with beer up the chimney. Anyhow, this is the part of the tale where my adventure came to an abrupt halt, after all, it was my turn to shoot stick, i was naked, (with this tiny little pair of pygamas beside me?!) and Will Ferrel was on SNL, where a troll was loose in Central Park.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
politics Auditions!
For the past month, on message boards and forums across the Web, we at politics posted information about our latest idea. We decided it would be acceptable to allow someone of equal zanyness to join the crew. We posted our contact information and asked lucky hopefuls to pen a paragraph or two to impress us. The idea behind our audition is to let someone else give the world their take on everything dysfunctional, as a cast member here on the site. UNFORTUNATELY, not all the replies we had were of a certain caliber we know our readers have begun to expect from the matt-hatter and O'Carreigh Carr (MIA). After filtering through (literally) bags of garbage, (at first i had written these down but my mom threw them out.. thus the garbage) I began writing this blog.
Here are the entries we received that are worth posting. Please feel free to enjoy them and if need be, do congratulate the author.
Entry #1, received July 9th.
Don't you just hate how all those fucking imported cars tear up the streets late at night? Like, if my schedule wasn't all booked up and I wasn't out dating 3 girls at once, ontop of my part-time job, that goes well with driving my truck (white exhaust, white is sweet, don't ever forget it) and popping the cap off of a big bear when the trailer park supervisor isn't looking, I don't know how I would fill my nights... other than bitching about those bastards reving their 'engines' downtown. It's not that I can really hear it from the comfy bedroom at the back of the trailer, but mostly it's because I'm trying to enjoy a Colt out at the swing sets down the block. I mean, sure, a lot of y'all probably think that cars that look nice and drive well and are reliable are sweet or something, but everyone knows respect is where a white exhaust spews out diesel while towing the house and home behind her. Another thing I just wanted to take a moment here to talk about is when dirty communists come into Wendy's (I'm currently working on food prep at a sweet 6.25$/hour, with benefits!) and order the largest meal like they can afford. It's like their sticking it to me! Just because I'm on prep and could be dining out at some fancy expensive restaurant, so they come in on purpose and want to really stick it to me hard. But I don't fall for it, I diet spam and Wonder Bread every night. That way the Commis will never be able to conquer Europe like they did America back in like '60s. Wait, wait, no k, uhm k wait... nevermind.
Anyways, ladies, tag me at -SolidSteve-
-*S
Received from solidsteve@hotmail.com
Entry #2, received July 11th.
hey ese, whats up its me carr, yeah that ese, haha anyways ese i thot you might be ch-checkin' this out cause this ese already writes for the site! but yeah ese, keep on reppin' with this deep love while imaway, ima miss you ese
Received from slick_style21@hotmail.com
Entry #3, received July 14th.
"Hey guys i totally liked the way your guys's talked about how cool sinfeld is. OMG carr! i like sienfled becuase it has budyd cop-humor too! i guess that like makes us friends or something right? i cant waitt to tell jmy dad beause he wants me tot ake a friend to the movies soon some time. do you like movies could we see king arthure otgether. carr have you ever seen that show on tv where there are these epople talking about stuff and liek one guy says that hes likes something but the opther girtl says she doesnt? anbyways im sorry but i didnt have time to proofread this because i dont know how spellcehck works on the compyter, but i really like you sight and i like goign to wal-mart,crar they have sweet bikes there wlil you come look at the sweet bikes that they have theure sometime wityh me becusea my dad wants to buy me one, but i dont know whihc one to buy, and he doesnt either, so anywyays you can see how i ride but i dont knew if im good enough for a 2 inch tarvel supercycle or not so yuo can see hoiw i real;ly
ndee your help becuase now thta we are freinds we can do alot of thigns togther. carr i liek how - (Edited for length).
Received from ludarulz10@hotmail.com
Entry #4, received July 16th.
Hello there chaps, well it's me again, Rob Matherly, yep, that guy who's site you love. I'd like to take a moment to mention that any comments placed on my site will not work, because I still can't break from buying sex toys to code the whole 100 characters of HTML it would take to fix it. Anyways, ever since my site went under I've been looking for a place to fill my mind of wannabe catchphrases like "Confessions of a Bearded Hill-Billy" because I think it will appeal to the younger generation. So g, here goes nothing.
Alot of my life happened during the rise of pro-leftist semily impartial democratic republicans during the fall of communism and notably the Berlin Wall shortly after 1988. (1989 to be exact). And now that I've written one line of my own gard filled material, here's where I just copy and paste a lot of crap about politics that no one understands in order to make it look like my site has content.
Raitt's comments resulted in a round of applause and even whistles from among the estimated 3,000 concertgoers at the Swedish capital's annual jazz event held on the banks of the downtown Skeppsholmen island. 'I'll meet yoose here after the movie,' '' she wrote. "The only way I can speak like residents of New Jersey and eastern Pennsylvania is to let my jaw drop an inch and talk with my lips in an 'O' like a fish. I'd rather learn to speak Polish.'' Therefore, she concluded, "The most direct health effect of climate change will be intensifying heat waves that selectively impact poor and urban populations," according to the study, noting cities like New York, Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia have large concentrations of blacks. With the local media backing the congregation, members of the 4,500-strong audience stormed out of the concert hall, tore down concert posters and tossed cocktails into the air. Never had anyone been so disgusted to see Oprah Winfrey perform opera naked.
Received from robmatherly@robmatherly.com
(Note on Entry #4 : Actual re-representations of items found on Rob Matherly's site. No one is safe).
Entry #5, received July 19th.
Man, lately, I've been so disgusted with the content showing up here. Like I know Matt's posts are sweet, but Barret is good-looking too and I like hearing about his terrific sexual mis-adventures. Like that time he told me about the midget he did in the barn... Sigh. I'm so happy we've been such good friends for so long. We have a lot of memories together. From me inviting myself over to his house for sleepovers because I knew he was too shy, to me asking him to come to my house because I have a cousin with large breasts who was wearing a white shirt. Anyways, I guess I just want to take up this small corner of the internet to finally like tell everyone the truth. I wasn't the coolest kid, but man, I could lift a ton over my head without even realising it. Boy, was I stalky. And man, could I ever shoot a squirrel with a .22. And that story about me that Barret wrote, it touched me, and I hope it touched all of you. Because, I swear, I don't know where you can find a more realistic retelling of how our summers go. Oh, and just in case you wondering, the Scab will forever live in everyone's heart.
Received from thescab@hotmail.com
Entry #6, received July 19th.
Hi fans, I'm Q.T., I'm sure you remember me as the lovably cutie from the hit boy band 2ge+ther. Yeah, we had a good run back in the 90's, but now that two of our members have fallen off the wagon, and Chad is sleeping with AJ from the Backstreet Boys, times are rough in boy-town. Since boy-bands never had talent in the first place, we were forced to rely on our looks, and striking physique. Again, since girls are shallow, this worked perfectly. Most of my money has now been spent on acid, and because I have none left, I will never be able to take singing lessons, which as you know, is what any teen act desperatly needs. This makes it nearly impossible to work on background vocals for pop-music. Who would have thought I would have to resort to Muzak? All that talent wasted.. tisk tisk. I'll bet you're wondering to yourself, what will happen when I can't get a break in b-boy town because some idiots in exec messed things up for class acts like 2ge+ther, n*sync, the Backstreet Boys, S Club 7, Soul Decision, and Micheal Bolton. (That guy can still melt butter with his eyebrows). But as a former member of 2ge+ther, I'm here to make sure that everyone gets an equal oppurtunity at making the cut. In order to save yourself a chance, send 2$ (American) to Q.T. P.O. Box 4913 Beverly Hills, Massachusetts.
In case anyone was wondering what went wrong, I think our unofficial website gives a direct portrayal of what happened to us. Don't forget : 2ge+her 4eva.
Received from q.t.@2ge+ther.com
July 20th was a slow mail day until I got this email. -
Entry #7, received July 20th.
Ese! Been awhile! Anyways I hate to beak you down like a unbrother ese, but ese, we got to talk about your posts. Lately I just ain't been seein you chuggin em out like usual... ese, I hate to chase you down an everything, but our readers want a taste of the action, like the piece I carrying packed ese, that's action, that's raza ese! Let them in on a hilarious happening (that's onomatopeia as far as I'm concerned, ch'whoever heard of imitative harmony anyways?) or an everyday occurance. You can do it ese, we in tha latino communito are counting on you, aitezz?
Catch ch'you in da harlem ese.
Received from slick_style21@hotmail.com
Entry #8, received July 20th.
Ughhh. See my movie. I'm playing at the Princess. Ughhh. Gross, today at school, I didn't get ANYTHING to eat, and then this Loser.... UGHH in class, kicked! the pocket I had my tots in... Ughh Gross.
...Anyways, uh, I'm getting hungry... My tots are ready bye.
Received from napoleondynamite@fox.com
Entry #9, received July 22th.
Yo, I get by. - Check out the book ladies. Cause this shit is blazin' like a mother fucker. And you kids out there who enjoy low ridin', hip slidin', hunger tidin' apparel, be sure to check out the latest in fashion at the Ex-Co show, this year goin' down (and I mean way down) at Caesar's Palace Casino, where the craps just keep givin' snaps! But listen here, I'm here for one reason, and one reason only. To class my act up, g-money.
A lot of you may know me as Nei' Borly. Sure, I organize the community league meetings, keep the minutes, draw up the outline for next time and bring pistachios to every meeting. This is nooo child's play. I also planted the field in Canora one grain at a time, to insure that it would be there for years to come; for children to frolick in, for dog's to run in, and for garbage the city dump wouldn't take to lay in. Again dawgs, this is no easy business. But someone's gotta do the dirty work to rape the rewards. By rewards, I mean Montreal wives, fruited plains, and dirty, dirty clothes. Another reward many of you have not heard about is my latest invention, the compact disc. These little plastic, oh just wait I have an email. Ok sorry, as I was saying, an invention of mine that you probably haven't heard about is my liquid buzz dispenser. Essentially, it's a combination of finely cut tabacco, irons, musks, tusks, fibreglass, and a rose to taste. A pot-pourri really. It comes in a handy soap dispenser and is discreet as soap itself. Simply apply the melange throughout your favorite dishes and experience a buzz well into dessert. Perfect for those romantic occasions where your pinch, cigar or cigarette can't wait until after. Next to my heated career as a tobacconist... fashion apparelest... botanist... car salesman.. uhm, ist... philanthropist... and vegetist... I have produced an offspring of other endeavours over the years.
Alas, my autobiography will have to do as the finale, because ol' Nei' has an appointment at the barbershop in a half hour, and it's time for a nap before then. His mind must be nimble when he walks through the door since, as everyone knows, anything goes at the barbershop. And oh dawg! I been speakin' ma clout in the third person agin! Time to return to reality, and plan the next community meeting. The plague won't leave Canora on it's own you know. Straight up, yo!
Pay-ce, G fresh, aight.
Received from mailto:nei
As you can see, it's going to take years before we at politics of the business can sort through all of these prime entries and congratulate one lucky reader with the honor of a membership. Until then, expect more of the same - politics on Canora, supermodels, sinfeld 'action adventure walrus', latino heists, communism, dog on mars, our good friend rob (and his site, which keeps going under), and everyone's favorite, the Scab.
"Days like today, huh dude?"
UPDATE
Since I realise that most of these jokes are from the inside, or require some unearthing of old politics posts, I've assembled this list to help you further your understanding of what's really going on here. (Mostly just a bunch of insults, give or take).
Entry #
1 - Go Here
2 - Read any of Carr's posts.
3 - Read "Dear O'Carreigh" (go down page).
4 - Go Here, read Behold... "The Lair of Confusion!", "Beware! The Lair of Confusion Retaliates", "Hi Rob". (go down page).
5 -Read Barret's story on the comment board of "Slangicus Maximus". (go down page).
6 - Go to the site mentioned in the article.
7 - Read any of Carr's posts.
8 - Go see Napoleon Dynamite.
9 - Ask me for the UNRELEASED blog known only as "the daunting challenge of trying to scribe the trials and tribulations in the life of the man known as Nei'borly". (An O'Carreigh Carr jem that I somehow got a hold!).
Here are the entries we received that are worth posting. Please feel free to enjoy them and if need be, do congratulate the author.
Entry #1, received July 9th.
Don't you just hate how all those fucking imported cars tear up the streets late at night? Like, if my schedule wasn't all booked up and I wasn't out dating 3 girls at once, ontop of my part-time job, that goes well with driving my truck (white exhaust, white is sweet, don't ever forget it) and popping the cap off of a big bear when the trailer park supervisor isn't looking, I don't know how I would fill my nights... other than bitching about those bastards reving their 'engines' downtown. It's not that I can really hear it from the comfy bedroom at the back of the trailer, but mostly it's because I'm trying to enjoy a Colt out at the swing sets down the block. I mean, sure, a lot of y'all probably think that cars that look nice and drive well and are reliable are sweet or something, but everyone knows respect is where a white exhaust spews out diesel while towing the house and home behind her. Another thing I just wanted to take a moment here to talk about is when dirty communists come into Wendy's (I'm currently working on food prep at a sweet 6.25$/hour, with benefits!) and order the largest meal like they can afford. It's like their sticking it to me! Just because I'm on prep and could be dining out at some fancy expensive restaurant, so they come in on purpose and want to really stick it to me hard. But I don't fall for it, I diet spam and Wonder Bread every night. That way the Commis will never be able to conquer Europe like they did America back in like '60s. Wait, wait, no k, uhm k wait... nevermind.
Anyways, ladies, tag me at -SolidSteve-
-*S
Received from solidsteve@hotmail.com
Entry #2, received July 11th.
hey ese, whats up its me carr, yeah that ese, haha anyways ese i thot you might be ch-checkin' this out cause this ese already writes for the site! but yeah ese, keep on reppin' with this deep love while imaway, ima miss you ese
Received from slick_style21@hotmail.com
Entry #3, received July 14th.
"Hey guys i totally liked the way your guys's talked about how cool sinfeld is. OMG carr! i like sienfled becuase it has budyd cop-humor too! i guess that like makes us friends or something right? i cant waitt to tell jmy dad beause he wants me tot ake a friend to the movies soon some time. do you like movies could we see king arthure otgether. carr have you ever seen that show on tv where there are these epople talking about stuff and liek one guy says that hes likes something but the opther girtl says she doesnt? anbyways im sorry but i didnt have time to proofread this because i dont know how spellcehck works on the compyter, but i really like you sight and i like goign to wal-mart,crar they have sweet bikes there wlil you come look at the sweet bikes that they have theure sometime wityh me becusea my dad wants to buy me one, but i dont know whihc one to buy, and he doesnt either, so anywyays you can see how i ride but i dont knew if im good enough for a 2 inch tarvel supercycle or not so yuo can see hoiw i real;ly
ndee your help becuase now thta we are freinds we can do alot of thigns togther. carr i liek how - (Edited for length).
Received from ludarulz10@hotmail.com
Entry #4, received July 16th.
Hello there chaps, well it's me again, Rob Matherly, yep, that guy who's site you love. I'd like to take a moment to mention that any comments placed on my site will not work, because I still can't break from buying sex toys to code the whole 100 characters of HTML it would take to fix it. Anyways, ever since my site went under I've been looking for a place to fill my mind of wannabe catchphrases like "Confessions of a Bearded Hill-Billy" because I think it will appeal to the younger generation. So g, here goes nothing.
Alot of my life happened during the rise of pro-leftist semily impartial democratic republicans during the fall of communism and notably the Berlin Wall shortly after 1988. (1989 to be exact). And now that I've written one line of my own gard filled material, here's where I just copy and paste a lot of crap about politics that no one understands in order to make it look like my site has content.
Raitt's comments resulted in a round of applause and even whistles from among the estimated 3,000 concertgoers at the Swedish capital's annual jazz event held on the banks of the downtown Skeppsholmen island. 'I'll meet yoose here after the movie,' '' she wrote. "The only way I can speak like residents of New Jersey and eastern Pennsylvania is to let my jaw drop an inch and talk with my lips in an 'O' like a fish. I'd rather learn to speak Polish.'' Therefore, she concluded, "The most direct health effect of climate change will be intensifying heat waves that selectively impact poor and urban populations," according to the study, noting cities like New York, Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia have large concentrations of blacks. With the local media backing the congregation, members of the 4,500-strong audience stormed out of the concert hall, tore down concert posters and tossed cocktails into the air. Never had anyone been so disgusted to see Oprah Winfrey perform opera naked.
Received from robmatherly@robmatherly.com
(Note on Entry #4 : Actual re-representations of items found on Rob Matherly's site. No one is safe).
Entry #5, received July 19th.
Man, lately, I've been so disgusted with the content showing up here. Like I know Matt's posts are sweet, but Barret is good-looking too and I like hearing about his terrific sexual mis-adventures. Like that time he told me about the midget he did in the barn... Sigh. I'm so happy we've been such good friends for so long. We have a lot of memories together. From me inviting myself over to his house for sleepovers because I knew he was too shy, to me asking him to come to my house because I have a cousin with large breasts who was wearing a white shirt. Anyways, I guess I just want to take up this small corner of the internet to finally like tell everyone the truth. I wasn't the coolest kid, but man, I could lift a ton over my head without even realising it. Boy, was I stalky. And man, could I ever shoot a squirrel with a .22. And that story about me that Barret wrote, it touched me, and I hope it touched all of you. Because, I swear, I don't know where you can find a more realistic retelling of how our summers go. Oh, and just in case you wondering, the Scab will forever live in everyone's heart.
Received from thescab@hotmail.com
Entry #6, received July 19th.
Hi fans, I'm Q.T., I'm sure you remember me as the lovably cutie from the hit boy band 2ge+ther. Yeah, we had a good run back in the 90's, but now that two of our members have fallen off the wagon, and Chad is sleeping with AJ from the Backstreet Boys, times are rough in boy-town. Since boy-bands never had talent in the first place, we were forced to rely on our looks, and striking physique. Again, since girls are shallow, this worked perfectly. Most of my money has now been spent on acid, and because I have none left, I will never be able to take singing lessons, which as you know, is what any teen act desperatly needs. This makes it nearly impossible to work on background vocals for pop-music. Who would have thought I would have to resort to Muzak? All that talent wasted.. tisk tisk. I'll bet you're wondering to yourself, what will happen when I can't get a break in b-boy town because some idiots in exec messed things up for class acts like 2ge+ther, n*sync, the Backstreet Boys, S Club 7, Soul Decision, and Micheal Bolton. (That guy can still melt butter with his eyebrows). But as a former member of 2ge+ther, I'm here to make sure that everyone gets an equal oppurtunity at making the cut. In order to save yourself a chance, send 2$ (American) to Q.T. P.O. Box 4913 Beverly Hills, Massachusetts.
In case anyone was wondering what went wrong, I think our unofficial website gives a direct portrayal of what happened to us. Don't forget : 2ge+her 4eva.
Received from q.t.@2ge+ther.com
July 20th was a slow mail day until I got this email. -
Entry #7, received July 20th.
Ese! Been awhile! Anyways I hate to beak you down like a unbrother ese, but ese, we got to talk about your posts. Lately I just ain't been seein you chuggin em out like usual... ese, I hate to chase you down an everything, but our readers want a taste of the action, like the piece I carrying packed ese, that's action, that's raza ese! Let them in on a hilarious happening (that's onomatopeia as far as I'm concerned, ch'whoever heard of imitative harmony anyways?) or an everyday occurance. You can do it ese, we in tha latino communito are counting on you, aitezz?
Catch ch'you in da harlem ese.
Received from slick_style21@hotmail.com
Entry #8, received July 20th.
Ughhh. See my movie. I'm playing at the Princess. Ughhh. Gross, today at school, I didn't get ANYTHING to eat, and then this Loser.... UGHH in class, kicked! the pocket I had my tots in... Ughh Gross.
...Anyways, uh, I'm getting hungry... My tots are ready bye.
Received from napoleondynamite@fox.com
Entry #9, received July 22th.
Yo, I get by. - Check out the book ladies. Cause this shit is blazin' like a mother fucker. And you kids out there who enjoy low ridin', hip slidin', hunger tidin' apparel, be sure to check out the latest in fashion at the Ex-Co show, this year goin' down (and I mean way down) at Caesar's Palace Casino, where the craps just keep givin' snaps! But listen here, I'm here for one reason, and one reason only. To class my act up, g-money.
A lot of you may know me as Nei' Borly. Sure, I organize the community league meetings, keep the minutes, draw up the outline for next time and bring pistachios to every meeting. This is nooo child's play. I also planted the field in Canora one grain at a time, to insure that it would be there for years to come; for children to frolick in, for dog's to run in, and for garbage the city dump wouldn't take to lay in. Again dawgs, this is no easy business. But someone's gotta do the dirty work to rape the rewards. By rewards, I mean Montreal wives, fruited plains, and dirty, dirty clothes. Another reward many of you have not heard about is my latest invention, the compact disc. These little plastic, oh just wait I have an email. Ok sorry, as I was saying, an invention of mine that you probably haven't heard about is my liquid buzz dispenser. Essentially, it's a combination of finely cut tabacco, irons, musks, tusks, fibreglass, and a rose to taste. A pot-pourri really. It comes in a handy soap dispenser and is discreet as soap itself. Simply apply the melange throughout your favorite dishes and experience a buzz well into dessert. Perfect for those romantic occasions where your pinch, cigar or cigarette can't wait until after. Next to my heated career as a tobacconist... fashion apparelest... botanist... car salesman.. uhm, ist... philanthropist... and vegetist... I have produced an offspring of other endeavours over the years.
Alas, my autobiography will have to do as the finale, because ol' Nei' has an appointment at the barbershop in a half hour, and it's time for a nap before then. His mind must be nimble when he walks through the door since, as everyone knows, anything goes at the barbershop. And oh dawg! I been speakin' ma clout in the third person agin! Time to return to reality, and plan the next community meeting. The plague won't leave Canora on it's own you know. Straight up, yo!
Pay-ce, G fresh, aight.
Received from mailto:nei
As you can see, it's going to take years before we at politics of the business can sort through all of these prime entries and congratulate one lucky reader with the honor of a membership. Until then, expect more of the same - politics on Canora, supermodels, sinfeld 'action adventure walrus', latino heists, communism, dog on mars, our good friend rob (and his site, which keeps going under), and everyone's favorite, the Scab.
"Days like today, huh dude?"
UPDATE
Since I realise that most of these jokes are from the inside, or require some unearthing of old politics posts, I've assembled this list to help you further your understanding of what's really going on here. (Mostly just a bunch of insults, give or take).
Entry #
1 - Go Here
2 - Read any of Carr's posts.
3 - Read "Dear O'Carreigh" (go down page).
4 - Go Here, read Behold... "The Lair of Confusion!", "Beware! The Lair of Confusion Retaliates", "Hi Rob". (go down page).
5 -Read Barret's story on the comment board of "Slangicus Maximus". (go down page).
6 - Go to the site mentioned in the article.
7 - Read any of Carr's posts.
8 - Go see Napoleon Dynamite.
9 - Ask me for the UNRELEASED blog known only as "the daunting challenge of trying to scribe the trials and tribulations in the life of the man known as Nei'borly". (An O'Carreigh Carr jem that I somehow got a hold!).
Saturday, July 17, 2004
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Saddam
Ahh, Saddam Hussein, the name of that restrained, happy go-lucky dictator. A man who successfully invaded Kuwait and then a few years later, threw a war, and had everybody come.
Saddam by the numbers.
1 - Number of dad's George Dubya has, and 1, the number of them that Saddam tried to kill.
3 - Number of Saddam's brothers. Uday, Husay and Micheal.
1 - Number of times Saddam was willing to "negotiate".
1 - Number of attempted assasination plots Saddam has been linked to.
6 - Number of letters in the name of the town Saddam was born. Tikrit.
203560032 - Number of hours it took the American military to find, capture and spank Saddam.
2 1/2 - Number of lollipops found in the hole Saddam was hiding in.
3 - Number of vaginal syringes found in the hole Saddam was hiding in.
1014 - Number of coalition deaths since the war in Iraq was launched. 894 Americans, 60 Britons, 6 Bulgarians, 1 Dane, 1 Dutch, 1 Estonian, 1 Hungarian, 19 Italians, 1 Latvian, 6 Poles, 1 Salvadoran, 3 Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, 2 Thai and 7 Ukrainians. (As of July 15, 2004. Source : CNN SPECIALS. If you'd like to see happy little thumbnails of the pictures of the men and women who have died - visit CNN).
5394 - Number of reported American soldiers wounded since the war began. (Source: the Pentagon, who do not report the number of non-hostile wounded).
4 1/8 - Total number of barrels of oil the American military has stolen from rich, fruitful Iraqi oilpatches.
2 - Number of happy smiles Saddam offered to his capters upon being dragged out of his hole of hiding.
1 - Number of quotes Saddam has etched into history, "I am Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq, I am willing to negotiate".
0 - Number of Weapons of Mass Destruction Saddam had during his rule.
In more important news, here's what O'Carreigh had to say about mansbf.com, our latest, gem of the web.
"Theres lots of gangs at my school. One gang wanted me because of my bowstaff skills." Napoleon Dynamite says:
Pet Products
Man's Best Friend carries a full line of pet foods and supplies for your furry friend. We carry training equipment, dog foods, dog supplies, grooming supplies, dog toys and much more.
"Theres lots of gangs at my school. One gang wanted me because of my bowstaff skills." Napoleon Dynamite says:
kinky
Saddam by the numbers.
1 - Number of dad's George Dubya has, and 1, the number of them that Saddam tried to kill.
3 - Number of Saddam's brothers. Uday, Husay and Micheal.
1 - Number of times Saddam was willing to "negotiate".
1 - Number of attempted assasination plots Saddam has been linked to.
6 - Number of letters in the name of the town Saddam was born. Tikrit.
203560032 - Number of hours it took the American military to find, capture and spank Saddam.
2 1/2 - Number of lollipops found in the hole Saddam was hiding in.
3 - Number of vaginal syringes found in the hole Saddam was hiding in.
1014 - Number of coalition deaths since the war in Iraq was launched. 894 Americans, 60 Britons, 6 Bulgarians, 1 Dane, 1 Dutch, 1 Estonian, 1 Hungarian, 19 Italians, 1 Latvian, 6 Poles, 1 Salvadoran, 3 Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, 2 Thai and 7 Ukrainians. (As of July 15, 2004. Source : CNN SPECIALS. If you'd like to see happy little thumbnails of the pictures of the men and women who have died - visit CNN).
5394 - Number of reported American soldiers wounded since the war began. (Source: the Pentagon, who do not report the number of non-hostile wounded).
4 1/8 - Total number of barrels of oil the American military has stolen from rich, fruitful Iraqi oilpatches.
2 - Number of happy smiles Saddam offered to his capters upon being dragged out of his hole of hiding.
1 - Number of quotes Saddam has etched into history, "I am Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq, I am willing to negotiate".
0 - Number of Weapons of Mass Destruction Saddam had during his rule.
In more important news, here's what O'Carreigh had to say about mansbf.com, our latest, gem of the web.
"Theres lots of gangs at my school. One gang wanted me because of my bowstaff skills." Napoleon Dynamite says:
Pet Products
Man's Best Friend carries a full line of pet foods and supplies for your furry friend. We carry training equipment, dog foods, dog supplies, grooming supplies, dog toys and much more.
"Theres lots of gangs at my school. One gang wanted me because of my bowstaff skills." Napoleon Dynamite says:
kinky
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Slangicus Maximus
Here is another excerpt from the dictionary of schoolyard slang I have been compiling. And since it deals with slang, I do believe it proves amusing. Enjoy!
Afterdrunk - n.: The state of having drank the night before, experienced being drunk, and then somewhere in between sleeping, drinking water, choking down a perogy and throwing up, the room starts to spin, and you feel all the sensations of originally being drunk. (Minus out that wrench in your stomach and you could actually feel good about it).
Kelp - n.: Any girl that owns popular assets and a 'good mind'. Kelp is a term that encompasses one's physical features to include how they act, how they think, etc. Term derived from the word 'Kempt'. See definition below.
(a piece of) Skin - n.: A girl who will put out regardless.
Choking down a perogy - v.: The act of trying to eat a piece of food while you're drunk or hungover, in order to feel better in the morning. Can result in undesirable pain, but will also permit something to be thrown up, as opposed to a wonderful dry heave.
Kempt - n.: A pretty girl, one possessing many, if not all, of the desirable assets. Kempt is a term that only defines one's physical features.
Tough guy, eh? - ph.: Dibby's favorite phrase when he feels tempted to start an argument. Ie. "Greece is gonna take it on Sunday." "Tough guy, eh?"
Maximus - adj.: Added to any word that has an immense feeling or connotation. Ie. This kickass blog.
133+ - n.: Literally meaning that nerd dialect that hackers use to communicate without letters. Ie. "He's a leet, let's ask what his favorite scripting engine is".
Dry heave - n. or v.: When, on an empty stomach, the alcohol in one's body tries to make a run for it, but due to the fact that it has been absorbed by the blood stream and nothing is in the stomach cavity, one's stomach simply wrenches and twists, resulting in a violent heaving of what little acid is left. Dry heaves are often found in successions, each more violent and painful then the last because nothing is coming through the throat.
(Go to) Work - ph.: Emphasizing 'work', a horny bastard would use this one to announce that he's going to put in some time and ca$h in order to bang a broad.
(To get away) Scotch-free - ph. 1. When one has been drinking and hasn't been caught by parents, guardians, the po-fleece, etc. 2. To be out of fight drinks. Ie. Whiskey and/or Scotch.
Red pussy - n.: 1. Literally, a guy who fucks regardless of condition. Ie. "He fucked her 'til she reddened like a godamn tomato". Whether it be during her period or after a first-go. 2. Red alcohol. Red sourpuss.
Broad - n.: Girl who owns proper assets and is willing to put them on display. Or already has. See: 1930's.
First-go - ph.: 1. The first attempt at baiting a girl. 2. The first time an attempt at sex/sexual activity is made, but due to faltering behaviour from the other party, and second-go must be executed.
(to) drop the kids off at the pool - ph.: syn.: Drop a deuce, build a chateau, lay down plans for a longhouse. 1. Taking a shit. 2. Dropping the kids off at the pool just in time for swimming lessons while you hotbox the car with a girl you met last night.
Step (or Steppin') to the AM - ph.: 1. To have a prior engagement in the morning, stated the night before. 2. Literally, 'I will do it in the morning'.
(to do) The 3 s's - ph.: 1. to Shit, Shower, Shave. 2. Or infront of parents: To shower, shave, celebrate shomer shabbis.
(How do you like your) Meat (?) - ph.: Question determining in what quantity one's meat should be made readily available when a questionably good-looking broad is spotted. Ie. "How do you like your meat?" "Mashed up and tossed into a bucket!" "Heyy-oh!"
If anyone's interested in a huge laugh, look no further, for the gems of the archives are aplenty.
Here's what I found laying about while I re-read our classic bout with <The Lair of Confusion
From the comments on the article entitled, "Oh bud you in over your head!"
Fuck you all
The Incredible Bulk | 03.06.04 - 6:42 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OH the GEMS of the ARCHIVES!!
Matt | Email | Homepage | 06.13.04 - 12:01 am | #
Afterdrunk - n.: The state of having drank the night before, experienced being drunk, and then somewhere in between sleeping, drinking water, choking down a perogy and throwing up, the room starts to spin, and you feel all the sensations of originally being drunk. (Minus out that wrench in your stomach and you could actually feel good about it).
Kelp - n.: Any girl that owns popular assets and a 'good mind'. Kelp is a term that encompasses one's physical features to include how they act, how they think, etc. Term derived from the word 'Kempt'. See definition below.
(a piece of) Skin - n.: A girl who will put out regardless.
Choking down a perogy - v.: The act of trying to eat a piece of food while you're drunk or hungover, in order to feel better in the morning. Can result in undesirable pain, but will also permit something to be thrown up, as opposed to a wonderful dry heave.
Kempt - n.: A pretty girl, one possessing many, if not all, of the desirable assets. Kempt is a term that only defines one's physical features.
Tough guy, eh? - ph.: Dibby's favorite phrase when he feels tempted to start an argument. Ie. "Greece is gonna take it on Sunday." "Tough guy, eh?"
Maximus - adj.: Added to any word that has an immense feeling or connotation. Ie. This kickass blog.
133+ - n.: Literally meaning that nerd dialect that hackers use to communicate without letters. Ie. "He's a leet, let's ask what his favorite scripting engine is".
Dry heave - n. or v.: When, on an empty stomach, the alcohol in one's body tries to make a run for it, but due to the fact that it has been absorbed by the blood stream and nothing is in the stomach cavity, one's stomach simply wrenches and twists, resulting in a violent heaving of what little acid is left. Dry heaves are often found in successions, each more violent and painful then the last because nothing is coming through the throat.
(Go to) Work - ph.: Emphasizing 'work', a horny bastard would use this one to announce that he's going to put in some time and ca$h in order to bang a broad.
(To get away) Scotch-free - ph. 1. When one has been drinking and hasn't been caught by parents, guardians, the po-fleece, etc. 2. To be out of fight drinks. Ie. Whiskey and/or Scotch.
Red pussy - n.: 1. Literally, a guy who fucks regardless of condition. Ie. "He fucked her 'til she reddened like a godamn tomato". Whether it be during her period or after a first-go. 2. Red alcohol. Red sourpuss.
Broad - n.: Girl who owns proper assets and is willing to put them on display. Or already has. See: 1930's.
First-go - ph.: 1. The first attempt at baiting a girl. 2. The first time an attempt at sex/sexual activity is made, but due to faltering behaviour from the other party, and second-go must be executed.
(to) drop the kids off at the pool - ph.: syn.: Drop a deuce, build a chateau, lay down plans for a longhouse. 1. Taking a shit. 2. Dropping the kids off at the pool just in time for swimming lessons while you hotbox the car with a girl you met last night.
Step (or Steppin') to the AM - ph.: 1. To have a prior engagement in the morning, stated the night before. 2. Literally, 'I will do it in the morning'.
(to do) The 3 s's - ph.: 1. to Shit, Shower, Shave. 2. Or infront of parents: To shower, shave, celebrate shomer shabbis.
(How do you like your) Meat (?) - ph.: Question determining in what quantity one's meat should be made readily available when a questionably good-looking broad is spotted. Ie. "How do you like your meat?" "Mashed up and tossed into a bucket!" "Heyy-oh!"
If anyone's interested in a huge laugh, look no further, for the gems of the archives are aplenty.
Here's what I found laying about while I re-read our classic bout with <The Lair of Confusion
From the comments on the article entitled, "Oh bud you in over your head!"
Fuck you all
The Incredible Bulk | 03.06.04 - 6:42 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OH the GEMS of the ARCHIVES!!
Matt | Email | Homepage | 06.13.04 - 12:01 am | #
