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Friday, September 23, 2005

McDonald's Employee raped, tortured, pumped full of new, larger, m+m's before being maimed and murdered 

In a stunning turn of events in the case of McDonald's employee's families who lost a family member on the way home from work v. McDonald's Restaurants LTD, new evidence has revealed that more than one employee has been killed on the way home from work in the past month.

Yesterday, a Colorado lawyer released a statement to the press from his emotionally-scarred client, Sarah Harris, the latest victim of after-work slayings. "It was terrible, they held me down and shot me in the face! Dieing was the worst thing to ever to happen to me."

The uprooting of the fact that McDonald's has become a prime target for after-work employee killings will only further the case for employee's families looking for restitution. It is still unknown how McDonald's Restaurants will recompense the family's of murdered workers.

Albeit, a spokeswoman for McDonald's released this statement:
"It's true, we don't care about our employees, I mean, come on! We hire kids as young as 14! Our company's primary concern is filling teenagers to the ears with grease (...) It is entirely possible, however, that family's of former expired employees are given the option of accepting a large hamburger settlement."


Canora, it seems, has the highest rate of McDonald's related murders, producing 1.5 in the past minute alone. Community league founder Nei'Borly was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Scientists prove beer has female hormones in it! Turns men feminine!

Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 cans of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men:

- talked excessively without making sense;
- became overly emotional;
- couldn't drive;
- failed to think rationally;
- argued over nothing;
- had to sit down while urinating;
- and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

-+-+-+-

Beanie: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in.
Jerry: I go to school here...
Beanie: Yeah, so?

Jerry: What will you have to do with the university?
Beanie: Legally speaking there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

Friday, September 16, 2005

For those of us who drive or ever sit in a car, the photo radar stats for the week of the 19th will be up soon on the EPS site.

http://www.police.edmonton.ab.ca/Pages/Media/photosites2.htm

Found on the "Techniques" of shoplifiting page:
1. Concealment
Shoplifters most commonly conceal stolen merchandise on their person or in their clothing, inside shopping bags, purses, hats or even umbrellas.



And don't read the page on Air-1, you may vomit from vivic pride.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

this one's fat like your mother, contains less calories 

Everytime I have nothing better to do I find myself infront of the TV, watching some shitty show called, "US Marshals: The True Story".

You'd think that the name itself would direct me elsewhere, to say, free porn, food, or harassing some bush leaguer.

However.

However, it's easy to look back and see how easily enthused I am with the desire to watch how the hunt for Americas most wanted, on the loose, hiding in the back alleys of Los Angeles, OG's, turns out.
It's my firm belief, rooted deep somewhere in my mind that each time the SWAT gear, m15s and more recently, huge battering ram shields, come out, that the end result will be blood, guts, and possibly rock ground into the face of the culprit. The Marshals will take down some number of (undoubtedly) African Americans (because everyone knows a large, white, pork rind gnawing minority needs to see the "minority" go down), usually three or four if we're lucky, and the end result should, if in fact there is a right and a wrong in the enforcement of the American legal system, be the right one. Whichever that is.

Disappointingly enough, you can see where this is going. Nothing brutal happens. No one is killed, brutally maimed or horrifically dismembered. No maces, no jumping hand grenades, and not even one board with a nail in it.

The fugitives, who by this point I'm questioning whether they did, in fact, grow up in the hard up ghettos, always go down easily. Or sometimes, not at all. That is not to say the Marshals don't capture them - they always do - but more than never, the raved about bad ass, evader of justice, rock runner, bail skipper, court eater, is laying on the fucking floor with one arm behind his back.

Oh well. It beats Cops.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Why is it that every time I delete the last email in my inbox, it insists on bringing up the first, instead of just going back to the overview?

This recurring event isn't helping me move on or keep a dirty conscience.


"Oh well you can call me dirt-aay and then lift up your skirt!"

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