Monday, December 26, 2005
Amusement park ride deemed 'unsafe, unkept, and possibly prolific'
In a move that left hundreds dissapointed; many others confused, and one preteen a little sore, the local amusement park has closed its doors.
The Canora 5 Flags Amusement Park shut down the facility yesterday after numerous complaints that the popular "Mach 5" was injuring, and possibly impregnating patrons.
Carnie Jimmy Lather and frequent operator of the drop-of-doom-like ride was upset, but showed no signs of remorse for any of the 50-some injured riders. "Sure, it's too bad, I mean, I could be out of a job... Thank God for the Carnie Code." As for the one recorded case of a young preteen's insemination after attending the amusement park, Lather remarked "Cool. err, uh, no, No comment."
Park founder, dignitary and Avon enthusiast Nei Borly responded to the anger by pointing to the Waiver of Liability. "I'll refer you to Article IV, Section III: After the undersigned amusement park patron (hereinafter referred to as "he/she") has signed the waiver, any rights, including but not limited to, the right to bear arms, the right to council, the right to ownership of land, the right to free speech; assembly; mobility, and the right to abstinance are hereby waived."
He also added that the park is for enjoyment, and if the ride can't be fixed, the board may vote on opening an "Adults Only" section on the grounds.
Janice Hopper, 13 in January, attended the Canora amusement center last month. Slated for her period a day later, it never came. Initially quite excited in menopause as she would never have to put 'that' in 'there' again, she became worried when she found condoms in her mother's bedroom. Eileen Hopper is 54.
Janice told her teacher the next day at school, and after a series of events that can only be described as nothing short of 'incorrect', it was determined that David Shartre in grade 5 had fertilized Janice's egg. Mr Henderson brought the idea to principal, only to embarrass himself when Mrs Clarke reminded Mr Henderson that the notion of a 10 year old with semen was, at best, impossible. The two spent the rest of the day pouring over the possibilities of intrusion, and coming up dry each time, Janice was eventually sent back to class. Giddy, ADD, and possibly menopausal, Janice wasted no time in telling her friends that Mr Henderson and Mrs Clarke were doing 'it' in the office.
Entirely unsure of what 'it' was, one 7th grader pitched the idea that 'it' was, in fact, what had happened to Janice last month at Canora 5 Flags. Unfortunately, earlier that month, the paper ran an article condeming the park for its ride turned sex toy, the Mach 5. (Apparently, the swift downward thrust of the Mach 5, at a nearly intollerable speed, proved excellent for anal sex). Janice told her mom she'd had 'it' done to her at the amusement park. Her mother smiled weakly at the child's naivety, but remembered having read the paper a few weeks ago. After rifling through the recycling, she called the journal.
Still confused and unaware of the potentially damaging lifelong effects, reporters for the local press appeared on the doorstop of an equally confused Janice Hopper. Uninterested in the girl's menstruation, or rather lack thereof, they asked if Mr Hopper was home. He was.
"I wasn't even aware she'd started menstruating!" commented eccentric dad Tim, in between mouthfuls of milk duds.
When asked for his thoughts, brother Riley was cut off by his friends in the basement. After much hooting, the consensus appeared to be "Cool".
The Canora 5 Flags will be shut down for at least a month, and will reupon upon inspection and completion of an exam by the health inspector. It is unlikely that any of the staff will return, as the results of the DNA came back "Carnie".
The Canora 5 Flags Amusement Park shut down the facility yesterday after numerous complaints that the popular "Mach 5" was injuring, and possibly impregnating patrons.
Carnie Jimmy Lather and frequent operator of the drop-of-doom-like ride was upset, but showed no signs of remorse for any of the 50-some injured riders. "Sure, it's too bad, I mean, I could be out of a job... Thank God for the Carnie Code." As for the one recorded case of a young preteen's insemination after attending the amusement park, Lather remarked "Cool. err, uh, no, No comment."
Park founder, dignitary and Avon enthusiast Nei Borly responded to the anger by pointing to the Waiver of Liability. "I'll refer you to Article IV, Section III: After the undersigned amusement park patron (hereinafter referred to as "he/she") has signed the waiver, any rights, including but not limited to, the right to bear arms, the right to council, the right to ownership of land, the right to free speech; assembly; mobility, and the right to abstinance are hereby waived."
He also added that the park is for enjoyment, and if the ride can't be fixed, the board may vote on opening an "Adults Only" section on the grounds.
Janice Hopper, 13 in January, attended the Canora amusement center last month. Slated for her period a day later, it never came. Initially quite excited in menopause as she would never have to put 'that' in 'there' again, she became worried when she found condoms in her mother's bedroom. Eileen Hopper is 54.
Janice told her teacher the next day at school, and after a series of events that can only be described as nothing short of 'incorrect', it was determined that David Shartre in grade 5 had fertilized Janice's egg. Mr Henderson brought the idea to principal, only to embarrass himself when Mrs Clarke reminded Mr Henderson that the notion of a 10 year old with semen was, at best, impossible. The two spent the rest of the day pouring over the possibilities of intrusion, and coming up dry each time, Janice was eventually sent back to class. Giddy, ADD, and possibly menopausal, Janice wasted no time in telling her friends that Mr Henderson and Mrs Clarke were doing 'it' in the office.
Entirely unsure of what 'it' was, one 7th grader pitched the idea that 'it' was, in fact, what had happened to Janice last month at Canora 5 Flags. Unfortunately, earlier that month, the paper ran an article condeming the park for its ride turned sex toy, the Mach 5. (Apparently, the swift downward thrust of the Mach 5, at a nearly intollerable speed, proved excellent for anal sex). Janice told her mom she'd had 'it' done to her at the amusement park. Her mother smiled weakly at the child's naivety, but remembered having read the paper a few weeks ago. After rifling through the recycling, she called the journal.
Still confused and unaware of the potentially damaging lifelong effects, reporters for the local press appeared on the doorstop of an equally confused Janice Hopper. Uninterested in the girl's menstruation, or rather lack thereof, they asked if Mr Hopper was home. He was.
"I wasn't even aware she'd started menstruating!" commented eccentric dad Tim, in between mouthfuls of milk duds.
When asked for his thoughts, brother Riley was cut off by his friends in the basement. After much hooting, the consensus appeared to be "Cool".
The Canora 5 Flags will be shut down for at least a month, and will reupon upon inspection and completion of an exam by the health inspector. It is unlikely that any of the staff will return, as the results of the DNA came back "Carnie".
Saturday, December 03, 2005
"Blue Balls" Blue Balled Again!
In an almost unsurprising turn of events, Reggie "Blue Balls" Banthos was blue-balled again late Friday night. It happened around 1 AM, and witnesses say it went down in the expected fashion.
Partygoers convened at Mark Tuule's house on the southside of the city around 9:30 PM. Known for throwing ragers and gongers, Tuule happily invited Reggie Banthos, who, as of late, has been the subject of much conversation. Many of Mark's close friends arrived at the house around 8:00 to predrink, play poker, and rewatch The Negro Space Program. Parents out for the weekend, flats of beer and the occasional 26 found their way in with each new guest. Soon, an SUV load of girls pulled into the driveway, and many of the guys began drinking heavily, in an attempt to show each other up.
Then, Reggie "Blue Balls" Banthos, and wingman John Manny showed up.
At their arrival, everyone agreed that the night would inevitably set up the next morning: another case of Reggie nursing his sore testicles back to comfort.
The first recorded blue balling, and the event that ultimately lead to Reggie being dubbed "Blue Balls", was early this summer. Water fountain speculation has it that Reggie, a virgin, was eager to learn the ins and outs of intercourse when he met then-slut Camilla Moore. "I'm not a slut anymore" said Camilla, "Of course, back then it was like 'Ok, so sex is cool, right?' But now, I don't know because Paris says one thing, but sometimes Nicole says another, and then there's that commercial about body wash, and does it really work? I don't know because I'm too worried to try it. Besides, this one time, my friend said that she used it, and it like totally gave her hives! I know! It doesn't sound possible but I think it totally is, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that sex should be saved, and ever since Reggie, I guess I'm enjoying the fame of being the first one in a long string of his dissapointing failures as a man." Tempted by Camilla's then-slut status, Reggie had approached her at a party. Things progressed to a hands-only phase, where Reggie, having been nicknamed "Dry Land Banthos" in grade 7 (a nick soon to be replaced) attempted to penetrate her vagina without the proper lubrication. Writhing in drunken pain, and no longer able to stand the sand-like feeling of Reggie's fingers poking her in all the wrong places, Camilla pushed him off her, only to reveal Reggie's massive erection.
Astonished, and too drunk to masterbate that night when he got home, Reggie fell asleep, to wake up the next morning with two swollen testicles. He quickly called John Manny, a master of Chemistry, which Reggie had mistaken for Biology. "Dude," Reggie cried, "my balls feel like they're gonna explode!" Minutes later, after looking at himself in the mirror, naked, and still on the phone with John, Reggie shrieked, "This can't be good. My balls are blue!"
Likely due to fate or the paranormal, but probably fate, Reggie would suffer from then on to the end of summer, many horrendous blue ballings.
His break came in late September, when, after applying 'enough lube to slide across the Sahara', Reggie found himself with a somewhat aroused partner in the bathroom of a house party. Innapropriate pick-up lines aside, he had chaperoned her there to vomit. After ingesting another 4 double shots himself while he held her hair over the toilet, Reggie decided tonight was the night to drop the nickname.
It would later be described as, "Self-absorbed behavior, and probably not a smart idea." by longtime pal John Manny, who unbeknownst to Reggie, was payed by many people at school to personally record every blue balling. Standing outside the door, wingman John Manny later recounted the following events: "First I hear this broad get down on her knees right, and then minutes later Reggie saying something about her kneeling in vomit, so you hear her try to move but she just falls over and hits her head on the counter on the way down, right? So you know if the Hot 100 didn't get her, the severe trauma to her head definetly did!" Reggie standing over a train wreck, was left with his penis, erect, again looking at himself in the mirror.
Of course, many blue ballings occured thereafter, and Reggie, uneager to hold the title, brought the belt to last night, where we continue our story.
Reggie, after arriving with John at Mark Tully's, "proceeded directly to a corner where the notorious brown belters were lamping", explained John, charged with keeping an eye on his friend's testes. There, he made it clear he was interested in losing his nickname, no matter the situation. The party soon picked up, and John, tired of beaking his friend, hit the beer bong and talked with his own female interest. Reggie, after ingesting the rest of the tube of pringles he brought with him and drinking the remaining 1/3 of a mickey of Royal Reserve, was seen entering the bathroom (now a Banthos classic) with a way over-the-limit dirty.
John would go on to circulate the rest of the night in a drunken haze, and for no apparent reason, the heat was off Blue Balls Banthos until early next morning.
Around 1:30, witnesses say, a girl who will remain nameless, as well as a group of her friends pulled onto the front lawn. Ornaments aside, they began to smoke heavily, curse, and attract attention from the house next door. The police were soon called, and they disbanded the party goers.
According to the taxi driver who drove Blue Balls and John Manny home, Manny was far beyond shithoused. He mimicked the cabbie's accent and tried to push buttons on the meter while Blue Balls sat uncomfortably in the back.
What happened next is confusing by all accounts, but is perhaps most coherently explained by Blue Balls himself. "Well, John and I have been friends a long time... And with his strong background in Chemistry, it's clear he knows a ton about the human anatomy, so when he told me that heat would aid and abed my flaming testicles, I guess I took it at face value."
Mark Tully's party, as those before it, turned out to be a huge success, and was talked about for a full week at school. Afterwards, John Manny and Reggie Banthos retired to their seperate houses. Later the next day, John received a call from an irate Mrs Banthos. Calling from the emergency room, and a wailing Banthos stammering in the background, Manny knew something was up.
When asked if he will remain friends with Blue Balls, Manny exclaimed, "Oh yeah, we have lots of fun! I just love to see how it's gonna happen next... Some people say that time with his dad was funny enough, but I like the story about the toaster oven!... Who thought it could actually get stuck in there? And, for fucking really, who would believe that warming it would ease the pain?"
Partygoers convened at Mark Tuule's house on the southside of the city around 9:30 PM. Known for throwing ragers and gongers, Tuule happily invited Reggie Banthos, who, as of late, has been the subject of much conversation. Many of Mark's close friends arrived at the house around 8:00 to predrink, play poker, and rewatch The Negro Space Program. Parents out for the weekend, flats of beer and the occasional 26 found their way in with each new guest. Soon, an SUV load of girls pulled into the driveway, and many of the guys began drinking heavily, in an attempt to show each other up.
Then, Reggie "Blue Balls" Banthos, and wingman John Manny showed up.
At their arrival, everyone agreed that the night would inevitably set up the next morning: another case of Reggie nursing his sore testicles back to comfort.
The first recorded blue balling, and the event that ultimately lead to Reggie being dubbed "Blue Balls", was early this summer. Water fountain speculation has it that Reggie, a virgin, was eager to learn the ins and outs of intercourse when he met then-slut Camilla Moore. "I'm not a slut anymore" said Camilla, "Of course, back then it was like 'Ok, so sex is cool, right?' But now, I don't know because Paris says one thing, but sometimes Nicole says another, and then there's that commercial about body wash, and does it really work? I don't know because I'm too worried to try it. Besides, this one time, my friend said that she used it, and it like totally gave her hives! I know! It doesn't sound possible but I think it totally is, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that sex should be saved, and ever since Reggie, I guess I'm enjoying the fame of being the first one in a long string of his dissapointing failures as a man." Tempted by Camilla's then-slut status, Reggie had approached her at a party. Things progressed to a hands-only phase, where Reggie, having been nicknamed "Dry Land Banthos" in grade 7 (a nick soon to be replaced) attempted to penetrate her vagina without the proper lubrication. Writhing in drunken pain, and no longer able to stand the sand-like feeling of Reggie's fingers poking her in all the wrong places, Camilla pushed him off her, only to reveal Reggie's massive erection.
Astonished, and too drunk to masterbate that night when he got home, Reggie fell asleep, to wake up the next morning with two swollen testicles. He quickly called John Manny, a master of Chemistry, which Reggie had mistaken for Biology. "Dude," Reggie cried, "my balls feel like they're gonna explode!" Minutes later, after looking at himself in the mirror, naked, and still on the phone with John, Reggie shrieked, "This can't be good. My balls are blue!"
Likely due to fate or the paranormal, but probably fate, Reggie would suffer from then on to the end of summer, many horrendous blue ballings.
His break came in late September, when, after applying 'enough lube to slide across the Sahara', Reggie found himself with a somewhat aroused partner in the bathroom of a house party. Innapropriate pick-up lines aside, he had chaperoned her there to vomit. After ingesting another 4 double shots himself while he held her hair over the toilet, Reggie decided tonight was the night to drop the nickname.
It would later be described as, "Self-absorbed behavior, and probably not a smart idea." by longtime pal John Manny, who unbeknownst to Reggie, was payed by many people at school to personally record every blue balling. Standing outside the door, wingman John Manny later recounted the following events: "First I hear this broad get down on her knees right, and then minutes later Reggie saying something about her kneeling in vomit, so you hear her try to move but she just falls over and hits her head on the counter on the way down, right? So you know if the Hot 100 didn't get her, the severe trauma to her head definetly did!" Reggie standing over a train wreck, was left with his penis, erect, again looking at himself in the mirror.
Of course, many blue ballings occured thereafter, and Reggie, uneager to hold the title, brought the belt to last night, where we continue our story.
Reggie, after arriving with John at Mark Tully's, "proceeded directly to a corner where the notorious brown belters were lamping", explained John, charged with keeping an eye on his friend's testes. There, he made it clear he was interested in losing his nickname, no matter the situation. The party soon picked up, and John, tired of beaking his friend, hit the beer bong and talked with his own female interest. Reggie, after ingesting the rest of the tube of pringles he brought with him and drinking the remaining 1/3 of a mickey of Royal Reserve, was seen entering the bathroom (now a Banthos classic) with a way over-the-limit dirty.
John would go on to circulate the rest of the night in a drunken haze, and for no apparent reason, the heat was off Blue Balls Banthos until early next morning.
Around 1:30, witnesses say, a girl who will remain nameless, as well as a group of her friends pulled onto the front lawn. Ornaments aside, they began to smoke heavily, curse, and attract attention from the house next door. The police were soon called, and they disbanded the party goers.
According to the taxi driver who drove Blue Balls and John Manny home, Manny was far beyond shithoused. He mimicked the cabbie's accent and tried to push buttons on the meter while Blue Balls sat uncomfortably in the back.
What happened next is confusing by all accounts, but is perhaps most coherently explained by Blue Balls himself. "Well, John and I have been friends a long time... And with his strong background in Chemistry, it's clear he knows a ton about the human anatomy, so when he told me that heat would aid and abed my flaming testicles, I guess I took it at face value."
Mark Tully's party, as those before it, turned out to be a huge success, and was talked about for a full week at school. Afterwards, John Manny and Reggie Banthos retired to their seperate houses. Later the next day, John received a call from an irate Mrs Banthos. Calling from the emergency room, and a wailing Banthos stammering in the background, Manny knew something was up.
When asked if he will remain friends with Blue Balls, Manny exclaimed, "Oh yeah, we have lots of fun! I just love to see how it's gonna happen next... Some people say that time with his dad was funny enough, but I like the story about the toaster oven!... Who thought it could actually get stuck in there? And, for fucking really, who would believe that warming it would ease the pain?"
