Monday, October 23, 2006
Man Converts Jehova's Witnesses, Not Other Way 'Round
Cody, WY - In what is being hailed as a victory for "thought-based" religion, local man Steve Brenner succesfully converted two Jehova's Witnesses that approached him at his family home over Thanksgiving weekend. The Catholic sect, in their firm belief that the Kingdom of God can only accomodate 144 000 believers, has been interrupting people in the privacy of their own home since 1922. The organization currently boasts an estimated 6.6 million members.
Members of the Brenner household said the whole ordeal lasted fewer than 10 minutes, and the Jehova's witnesses, now normal people, left feeling "refreshed, renewed, and overwhelmed with logical knowledge". Wishing not to be identified by the Associated Press, the two Witnesses were distributing their Watchtower and Awake! publications as they always did on Sunday nights, the time when people are most likely to be home, when they arrived at 305 River Rd. Steve Brenner answered the door and, already annoyed with the shouting match between kids at the dinner table, was prepared to "let loose" on the Witnesses. "See, by this point I was pissed off with my kids who wouldn't stop arguing about who really won last night's celebrity death match, and then these two idiots showed up at my door. The last thing I was worried about was patience and the Watch Tower Society's egomaniac referendums".
After explaining that the Kingdom of God was only open to registered Witnesses, and that Christ would arrive on earth in 2025 (previously: the years 1914, 1925 and 1975), Steve Brenner had nearly heard enough. After flipping the "False Religion will soon Fall!" pamphlet over and reading that "A seven headed, horned beast will [would] carry a purple harlot on his back(...)" to yield the end of false idolatry, Steve then cut off the female speaker: "So you mean that even though there are millions of you, and only one-four-something can get in, you're all still milling about?"
Steve recalled also asking questions like: "Would I be 'disfellowshipped' if say, I ran my wife over with the truck, raped a hooker, but then paid for a new Kingdom Hall? Or would Jehova still be cool with that?", "If I don't believe in Armageddon, like the movie was sweet right, but I'm talking about when you say a central world government is going to ban all religion and then God will destroy everything, including the mentally ill and the children because they could never hope to understand Jehova or religion, then do I get to come back purely because I paid for The Watchtower to wipe my ass with every month?"
Flabergasted, and somewhat astounded at how the layman correctly interpreted their system of beliefs, the Witnesses strew off their modest clothes and renounced a life void of gambling, alcohol, idolatry, nationalism and fun. The man and woman begged for Steve to teach them and to aid and abed their learning about the real world- albeit, not great, but also not a place where everyone is destined for the eternal grave of mankind unless they too suspect Jesus died on a "torture stake" without a cross-bar. Realising the irony of the situation, Steve Brenner flatly refused but had this to say: "Well I don't think I'll kick off a Toa of Steve or anything right away, but, all in all, it was good for the blood".
Members of the Brenner household said the whole ordeal lasted fewer than 10 minutes, and the Jehova's witnesses, now normal people, left feeling "refreshed, renewed, and overwhelmed with logical knowledge". Wishing not to be identified by the Associated Press, the two Witnesses were distributing their Watchtower and Awake! publications as they always did on Sunday nights, the time when people are most likely to be home, when they arrived at 305 River Rd. Steve Brenner answered the door and, already annoyed with the shouting match between kids at the dinner table, was prepared to "let loose" on the Witnesses. "See, by this point I was pissed off with my kids who wouldn't stop arguing about who really won last night's celebrity death match, and then these two idiots showed up at my door. The last thing I was worried about was patience and the Watch Tower Society's egomaniac referendums".
After explaining that the Kingdom of God was only open to registered Witnesses, and that Christ would arrive on earth in 2025 (previously: the years 1914, 1925 and 1975), Steve Brenner had nearly heard enough. After flipping the "False Religion will soon Fall!" pamphlet over and reading that "A seven headed, horned beast will [would] carry a purple harlot on his back(...)" to yield the end of false idolatry, Steve then cut off the female speaker: "So you mean that even though there are millions of you, and only one-four-something can get in, you're all still milling about?"
Steve recalled also asking questions like: "Would I be 'disfellowshipped' if say, I ran my wife over with the truck, raped a hooker, but then paid for a new Kingdom Hall? Or would Jehova still be cool with that?", "If I don't believe in Armageddon, like the movie was sweet right, but I'm talking about when you say a central world government is going to ban all religion and then God will destroy everything, including the mentally ill and the children because they could never hope to understand Jehova or religion, then do I get to come back purely because I paid for The Watchtower to wipe my ass with every month?"
Flabergasted, and somewhat astounded at how the layman correctly interpreted their system of beliefs, the Witnesses strew off their modest clothes and renounced a life void of gambling, alcohol, idolatry, nationalism and fun. The man and woman begged for Steve to teach them and to aid and abed their learning about the real world- albeit, not great, but also not a place where everyone is destined for the eternal grave of mankind unless they too suspect Jesus died on a "torture stake" without a cross-bar. Realising the irony of the situation, Steve Brenner flatly refused but had this to say: "Well I don't think I'll kick off a Toa of Steve or anything right away, but, all in all, it was good for the blood".
