Sunday, December 28, 2003
Clash of the Titans (Figure IV)
I'm still wondering how I managed to drag myself out of bed this morning. As it happened, my parents were having me fulfill some of the "true spirit of the season". (Yeah, I know all my latest posts have been seasonal, but this one has - might have - a point to it). Anyways, there I was, up at an undecent hour without all that much sleep, heading downtown to prepare food donations and then feed Edmonton's poor at the Bissell. I guess at first I really wasn't too happy with the notion of being up so early that you really don't know what's going on or why people are talking to you. So as I was pooring juice for the homeless I rapidly took down some "mental notes" for this Blog. For the humour part of this entry, I thought it's worthwhile to mention that the 200 and some homeless people who I encountered this morning we're, for the most part, happy. Or, as I once heard, "They get to push a shopping cart around all day without anyone asking them if they want the extra warranty". The similarities between them, other the being poor were few and far between. Everyone who's homeless is bound to have a different story and different background. What it came down to was that every man there was wearing a hat from his former plaec of work. Ti-co, Lazman, Co-op, Inland, Penetrode (not) and a handle of construction companies. How strange is that, everyone advertises for the place that laid them off? I'm talking about baseball caps by the way, not warm toques that would serve an obvious purpose. Another amazing characteristic of the street people is that, contrary to their rash stereotype, around 90% of them are actually pretty damn polite. I was thanked by scores and wished happy new year by a good number of them. Although often their behaviour seems strange, I guess I learnt today that sometimes it can be a mental or physical problem. Think about it, how often do you think these people were injected with flu shots when they were younger. It's predicted that astonishing numbers of them have hepatitis c, as destructive as that may sound. Otherwise, I saw brochures around about self-health testing, and seemingly less important things like a PAP test. (If you don't know what it is, don't "google" it. God. Who cares if Merriam-Webster made it a word? He's dead. That's that). Consequently, I guess that oftentimes we just don't think things through before stocking others. Anyhow, as these people lined up for food and the left over christmas presents that were donated (think about it, they're living off donations alone) they all wanted the same thing, plastic bags. Yeah, plastic bags like they bag your groceries with at Safeway.
I don't know why, but at least 7 out of 10 people would ask if I had any plastic bags. Furthermore, they would always be extremely polite about it, as if this had some impact on the number of bags I would be giving them. Unfortunately, I don't keep bags in my back pocket so none was usually the number of choice.
I guess that in the end, nothing will ever change because we only realise others' hardships when they hit close to home.
I don't know why, but at least 7 out of 10 people would ask if I had any plastic bags. Furthermore, they would always be extremely polite about it, as if this had some impact on the number of bags I would be giving them. Unfortunately, I don't keep bags in my back pocket so none was usually the number of choice.
I guess that in the end, nothing will ever change because we only realise others' hardships when they hit close to home.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
I'm Destructive
I hate what they've done with Blogger.com. Quite frankly, I just don't understand what the whole idea behind "give the gift of blogger" really could be. It's nothing personal guys, but having the priviledge of unwrapping a little piece of paper that says "Congratulations! You've been given a weblog that no one will ever read, no one will ever care about, and no real ISP will ever pick up.", just doesn't float my boat.
Here is a small excerpt from a handily crafted article by "Biz Stone". (Yeah, I'm not going to stab the name straight in the heart just incase it would turn into a racial slurr and I'll be damned if anyone's to damn me into eternal damnation). Anyhow, here it is:
"Don't they know that Blogger is 'The fast, easy, and free way to publish and share your information online?' Well it is. And it's damn sexy too."
Umm, great observation Bizzy, you've managed to point out what every savvy web user knows: there is absolutely nothing more erotic than sharing personal information online. Here is a typical Blog format. Don't let me know what you think, we're already on the same page.
"Linda's Blog"
"Mood : Ecstatic!!!!!11 :D:D - James just asked me out! I'm so like (insert really stupid adjective that is entirely out of context that only the 3 most popular kids from school would actually know what it means).
Regardless of what may come next, those last 3 lines were so painful to type, that I really can't continue. Life or death situation? I'll be first in line for the latter. But I do think that it's becoming rather obvious as to why people aren't reading these blogs.
Anyways, back to the real reason why we're all here: Giving the "gift of Blog" is not a good idea, and hopefully this campaign will never again arise during the festive season.
Here is another excerpt from the article, this time with a clever touch. Bizzy has decided it's time to keep his few readers interested by cracking a dry joke.
Step 2 -- Write An Initial Post
Once you've set up the blog, write a first post the same way you would sign a card. Something along the lines of, "I love you." (Not recommended if you're giving this gift to your boss.)
This one left me speachless. As opposed to reading more and gaining interest, his cute joke had the reverse affect on my far too developed brain. I nearly took an axe to my monitor right then and there. Instead, I later found myself cleaning up the shit I had spewed all over my room. Fuck do things like that ever make me angry. So I read the rest. Actually, I took it upon myself to read the rest anyways just to see how it turned out. Amazingly enough, the guy actually thought this was a good idea.
Reasons why giving somebody a Blog is not a good idea.
1. They're going to be buying you something worth real money.
2. Any idiot can set up his/her own blog.
3. There is no memorable value in writing your first entry.
4. They just might feel obliged to link to your blog from theirs (which is also technically yours because the giver will still be on the list of members on the giftee's blog. A 5th reason why this is the dumbest idea ever).
Reasons why giving somebody a Blog is a good idea.
1. You want the shit kicked out of you.
After a team of specialists reviewed these reasons for a period of 5 hours, (4 hours and 59 minutes being spent playing poker), it was determined that the reasons for not giving a blog made much more sense then ever even considering giving "the gift of blogger".
Here is a small excerpt from a handily crafted article by "Biz Stone". (Yeah, I'm not going to stab the name straight in the heart just incase it would turn into a racial slurr and I'll be damned if anyone's to damn me into eternal damnation). Anyhow, here it is:
"Don't they know that Blogger is 'The fast, easy, and free way to publish and share your information online?' Well it is. And it's damn sexy too."
Umm, great observation Bizzy, you've managed to point out what every savvy web user knows: there is absolutely nothing more erotic than sharing personal information online. Here is a typical Blog format. Don't let me know what you think, we're already on the same page.
"Linda's Blog"
"Mood : Ecstatic!!!!!11 :D:D - James just asked me out! I'm so like (insert really stupid adjective that is entirely out of context that only the 3 most popular kids from school would actually know what it means).
Regardless of what may come next, those last 3 lines were so painful to type, that I really can't continue. Life or death situation? I'll be first in line for the latter. But I do think that it's becoming rather obvious as to why people aren't reading these blogs.
Anyways, back to the real reason why we're all here: Giving the "gift of Blog" is not a good idea, and hopefully this campaign will never again arise during the festive season.
Here is another excerpt from the article, this time with a clever touch. Bizzy has decided it's time to keep his few readers interested by cracking a dry joke.
Step 2 -- Write An Initial Post
Once you've set up the blog, write a first post the same way you would sign a card. Something along the lines of, "I love you." (Not recommended if you're giving this gift to your boss.)
This one left me speachless. As opposed to reading more and gaining interest, his cute joke had the reverse affect on my far too developed brain. I nearly took an axe to my monitor right then and there. Instead, I later found myself cleaning up the shit I had spewed all over my room. Fuck do things like that ever make me angry. So I read the rest. Actually, I took it upon myself to read the rest anyways just to see how it turned out. Amazingly enough, the guy actually thought this was a good idea.
Reasons why giving somebody a Blog is not a good idea.
1. They're going to be buying you something worth real money.
2. Any idiot can set up his/her own blog.
3. There is no memorable value in writing your first entry.
4. They just might feel obliged to link to your blog from theirs (which is also technically yours because the giver will still be on the list of members on the giftee's blog. A 5th reason why this is the dumbest idea ever).
Reasons why giving somebody a Blog is a good idea.
1. You want the shit kicked out of you.
After a team of specialists reviewed these reasons for a period of 5 hours, (4 hours and 59 minutes being spent playing poker), it was determined that the reasons for not giving a blog made much more sense then ever even considering giving "the gift of blogger".
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
What's new at 1:09?
Believe it or not, sometimes it's hard to find inspiration. I mean, it's certainly not hard to ramble and rant once the original shit has been marked down, but getting there can be difficult. I like to think about things that are humorous before I try to entertain. Emo glasses make me laugh, and they're right up alongside "historical fiction". Yeah, exactly. Maybe you just don't understand how much of a joke historical fiction is. How can a novel be historically accurate and fictional at the same time? What if I decided that the Last of the Mohicans was also a general who fought alongside Stonewall Jackson and Patton. (No wait, make it Rommel! That guy was so cool). Sometimes even the simplest (yeah it gets simpler) things amuse me. For instance, once the Man Show prompted me to write an entire essay on government tax referendum reform programs.* Another time, El Nino made me laugh because it's in Spanish and pissed-himself was there. Along with Grock, let's not forget Hubert's long lost cousin. After all, Grock no know!
My deodorant smells like nutmeg. And have I mentioned that a lot of the time when i want to capitalize a letter on the right side of the board I won't use the right shift key. Why is that?
And now, as we wind down the time of shopping I would like to offer a last minute gift solution. Fire. Think about it this way: It just occured to me that there will always be a lot of wrapping paper around on boxing day. Who wouldn't appreciate being able to pollute the atmosphere, warm up in their own backyard, and make their used wrapping paper disapear, all in one foul swoop? Cry now, you enviro-pansies. Pretty soon the "ozone layer" (I'm still determined to prove that it's only a figure of the media) will be destroyed anyways. Mostly due to the fact that as North Americans we have no consideration for future generations, nor do we actually care about our own. Is it just me, or have we all heard enough about eco-conservation and minimizing waste that if it hasn't sunk in by now, the millions of dollars that went into funding these fancy media campaigns has long been depleted.
*O'Carreigh- "I doubt that"
My deodorant smells like nutmeg. And have I mentioned that a lot of the time when i want to capitalize a letter on the right side of the board I won't use the right shift key. Why is that?
And now, as we wind down the time of shopping I would like to offer a last minute gift solution. Fire. Think about it this way: It just occured to me that there will always be a lot of wrapping paper around on boxing day. Who wouldn't appreciate being able to pollute the atmosphere, warm up in their own backyard, and make their used wrapping paper disapear, all in one foul swoop? Cry now, you enviro-pansies. Pretty soon the "ozone layer" (I'm still determined to prove that it's only a figure of the media) will be destroyed anyways. Mostly due to the fact that as North Americans we have no consideration for future generations, nor do we actually care about our own. Is it just me, or have we all heard enough about eco-conservation and minimizing waste that if it hasn't sunk in by now, the millions of dollars that went into funding these fancy media campaigns has long been depleted.
*O'Carreigh- "I doubt that"
Monday, December 22, 2003
Appendix A : History of the Blog
Historians often date the origins of the blog (or "web log") back to the early 1990's.
Historians are also botany school drop outs who couldn't make the grade. It also just so happens that historians are often historically incorrect and it is the job of people like me, (boy genius is the term we use) to correct these ridiculous errors on the part of the socially inept.
The Blog is known to have it's origins all the way back to the 1350's, where in Latvia at the time, many people were recording diaries. The Spanish Armada (one of the greatest military conflicts between the Polish and the Maxwell House Coffee Makers Union 100) was about to break out all over the Eastern Seaboard, and it was the job of the Journeymen Diarywainers to accomplish the often boring task of recording down historical happenings and their dates.
Now as everyone knows, the Latvians speak Latin and at the time it was a common slurr for popular Latvians to refer to unpopular Latvians as effor arachne. (Meaning of course, to speak out as spiders). It was no coincidence that these diary-men were the ones being picked on.
Soon, these people were outcast from society and banned from ever entering the Forbidden City again. (Which happened to be a really popular dance club at the time). Even after the government released them into the wild, they formed gangs to pilage and plunder neighbooring farms and countrysides. Not that the countryside ever provided anything of use; these new tribes mearly enjoyed writing long words into their diaries.
Eventually, the Latvians forgot about these people all together, and went about their usual daily tasks. The cats needed to be hung out to dry, the sofa needed to be drycleaned and most importantly, the family hering needed to be put out for the garbage men to come pick up. In time, the exiled group of unpopular Latvians slowly snuck back into society and were now being referred to as aranea, a much simpler term than before, obviously because of the increasing number of aspiring historians in the country at the time.
As the 20th century rolled around and the "Personal Computer" became popular, useless sites like blogger somehow managed to grab a hold of some webspace. TV sitcoms like I Love Lucy and Trailer Park Boys (has anyone else seen the episode where they steal the barbecues and the cops are after them because they have like 30 and the whole park is really angry because they cant barbecue and drink beer?) became popular (regretably) and the group of people who had written diaries became an entirely new class. Daft white men who can not do up the top button of their fly were soon given the title of "software engineers" defined in any dictionary as "he who is of middle age and sex, yet overweight and with absolutely no training whatsoever (see historian). This new group of "super helpful" technicians soon began posting their thoughts online for their own enjoyment. As ridiculous as this may sound, a few of their sites got hits (mostly because they talked about porn and beer, two highly effective words to mention if one desires getting traffic). Unfortunately, soon these web loggers were turned authors and books were being published about "how to write your own weblog" and "how to script HTML for your weblog". It didn't take much time for the term "aranea" which is (of course) latin for "web" to turn into "web log" by adding a simple prefix.
As you can clearly see, I've straightened things out for everyone who was confused. With the knowledge you've gained reading my post and the dates that I ask that you memorize, I hope that you will impress your relatives over the break and leave your social teacher breathless when you get back.
Historians are also botany school drop outs who couldn't make the grade. It also just so happens that historians are often historically incorrect and it is the job of people like me, (boy genius is the term we use) to correct these ridiculous errors on the part of the socially inept.
The Blog is known to have it's origins all the way back to the 1350's, where in Latvia at the time, many people were recording diaries. The Spanish Armada (one of the greatest military conflicts between the Polish and the Maxwell House Coffee Makers Union 100) was about to break out all over the Eastern Seaboard, and it was the job of the Journeymen Diarywainers to accomplish the often boring task of recording down historical happenings and their dates.
Now as everyone knows, the Latvians speak Latin and at the time it was a common slurr for popular Latvians to refer to unpopular Latvians as effor arachne. (Meaning of course, to speak out as spiders). It was no coincidence that these diary-men were the ones being picked on.
Soon, these people were outcast from society and banned from ever entering the Forbidden City again. (Which happened to be a really popular dance club at the time). Even after the government released them into the wild, they formed gangs to pilage and plunder neighbooring farms and countrysides. Not that the countryside ever provided anything of use; these new tribes mearly enjoyed writing long words into their diaries.
Eventually, the Latvians forgot about these people all together, and went about their usual daily tasks. The cats needed to be hung out to dry, the sofa needed to be drycleaned and most importantly, the family hering needed to be put out for the garbage men to come pick up. In time, the exiled group of unpopular Latvians slowly snuck back into society and were now being referred to as aranea, a much simpler term than before, obviously because of the increasing number of aspiring historians in the country at the time.
As the 20th century rolled around and the "Personal Computer" became popular, useless sites like blogger somehow managed to grab a hold of some webspace. TV sitcoms like I Love Lucy and Trailer Park Boys (has anyone else seen the episode where they steal the barbecues and the cops are after them because they have like 30 and the whole park is really angry because they cant barbecue and drink beer?) became popular (regretably) and the group of people who had written diaries became an entirely new class. Daft white men who can not do up the top button of their fly were soon given the title of "software engineers" defined in any dictionary as "he who is of middle age and sex, yet overweight and with absolutely no training whatsoever (see historian). This new group of "super helpful" technicians soon began posting their thoughts online for their own enjoyment. As ridiculous as this may sound, a few of their sites got hits (mostly because they talked about porn and beer, two highly effective words to mention if one desires getting traffic). Unfortunately, soon these web loggers were turned authors and books were being published about "how to write your own weblog" and "how to script HTML for your weblog". It didn't take much time for the term "aranea" which is (of course) latin for "web" to turn into "web log" by adding a simple prefix.
As you can clearly see, I've straightened things out for everyone who was confused. With the knowledge you've gained reading my post and the dates that I ask that you memorize, I hope that you will impress your relatives over the break and leave your social teacher breathless when you get back.
Biking is My Life
Congratulations to my good friend O'Carreigh Carr who was recently given the gift of a Haro. His first mountain bike. My best wishes to him, with the hopes that he soon finds his way into the small, but certainly prominent, mountain biking culture edmonton has established.
There is nothing in the world that makes me happier than waking up on a summer morning while the world sleeps to fill my yellow water bottle and unlock the garage door. I soon afterwards find myself bombing down rock manana or a flight or rickety river valley stairs. There's no feeling greater than knowing you're the only awake as the dew rises from the damp grass and the sun peeks out from beyond the skyline. Even though we're so close to Christmas and it's most certainly in the air, the nostalgia of the summer never fails to creep into my thoughts in order to remind me what a painful moment this has to be.
Shouts to baretopea, and team 4b, for obvious reasons between my close friends.
There is nothing in the world that makes me happier than waking up on a summer morning while the world sleeps to fill my yellow water bottle and unlock the garage door. I soon afterwards find myself bombing down rock manana or a flight or rickety river valley stairs. There's no feeling greater than knowing you're the only awake as the dew rises from the damp grass and the sun peeks out from beyond the skyline. Even though we're so close to Christmas and it's most certainly in the air, the nostalgia of the summer never fails to creep into my thoughts in order to remind me what a painful moment this has to be.
Shouts to baretopea, and team 4b, for obvious reasons between my close friends.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Not For The Easily Offended
Welcome back, Matt!
Here is your blog-
Politics of the Business
Thanks guy who wrote that script! It was real nice of you, because this is very important and needs immediate postage.
Yes, that's right. You've (meaning nobody) all been waiting for this, and it's finally here!
The coolest instrument ever awards.
As told to me, according to Graeme, it's really important that we award the "badge of merit" to everybody's most underated instrument, the accordion.
People, come on! How cool is an instrument that you compress (and then pull apart) and press numerous keys on at the same time? Exactly why it has earned the "badge of merit". Actually, while I'm at it, throw a "most underrated instrument" award its way too. Thanks.
Next on the list would have to be the cowbell. Let's take a ring back in history as we remember a classic Saturday Night Live skit from awhile back. It involved Will Ferrel who, as a member of a band, played cowbell. Amazing. Simply ingenious. Only the writers of Mad, and possibly Random Hero could come up with a skit just as funny. Anyways, if you haven't seen the skit, Will Ferrel dances around with a belly shirt on as the producer periodically interrupts the video asking for "more cowbell". Only an instrument as kickass as a hollow tube formed into a "bell" could be this cool. Admit it soapies, Days of Our Lives has nothing on the cowbell. "Award of pure kickassity"
I'd like to now bring everyones attention to the oboe. Give this guy some credit, I mean, it's bulky, odd looking and about the strangest mouthpiece ever. It looks more like a really small bong than anything, and if music can be THAT educational it can only mean one thing: "The Educator's Award of Likedness". (Kind of lame, I mean, it's a pin in the form of an apple that has a book across it". Plus, as a stab at the system I'm sure all you under 16ers will notice the irony in the name itself. And if not, you've beat the system. Congratulations!
And now (cue drum roll - on second thoughts no, I hate sites with music) for the coolest instrument ever, (meaning of all time, aka the best in the world), I'm awarding the sitar the honors. Who amongst us can honestly say that they haven't learned to love the beauty of the melodious sitar at least once in the privacy of their own home? I would plead guilty. If only I could become Indian and begin to learn the mystical keys and patterns of shrill, whining, ear splitting, tones that are produced by this strange bango-like instrument. Because of these reasons, and the power vested in me through the musical awardery board of redundant merit, I hereby decree that the sitar is, and forever shall be "ye greatest instrument ever".
On a later note, I'd just like to say this article could have been much longer. Thank me for keeping it short and to the point. Just be sure to tip on your way out.
(Look people: I know olde English has nothing to do with the Sitar, seriously shut up already, it's a joke because it doesn't make sense! It's not supposed to sound smart! That's the entire point of this whole post! If you would..! Jesus nevermind, some people will never learn. Note to the aforementioned: Way to beat the system!)
Here is your blog-
Politics of the Business
Thanks guy who wrote that script! It was real nice of you, because this is very important and needs immediate postage.
Yes, that's right. You've (meaning nobody) all been waiting for this, and it's finally here!
The coolest instrument ever awards.
As told to me, according to Graeme, it's really important that we award the "badge of merit" to everybody's most underated instrument, the accordion.
People, come on! How cool is an instrument that you compress (and then pull apart) and press numerous keys on at the same time? Exactly why it has earned the "badge of merit". Actually, while I'm at it, throw a "most underrated instrument" award its way too. Thanks.
Next on the list would have to be the cowbell. Let's take a ring back in history as we remember a classic Saturday Night Live skit from awhile back. It involved Will Ferrel who, as a member of a band, played cowbell. Amazing. Simply ingenious. Only the writers of Mad, and possibly Random Hero could come up with a skit just as funny. Anyways, if you haven't seen the skit, Will Ferrel dances around with a belly shirt on as the producer periodically interrupts the video asking for "more cowbell". Only an instrument as kickass as a hollow tube formed into a "bell" could be this cool. Admit it soapies, Days of Our Lives has nothing on the cowbell. "Award of pure kickassity"
I'd like to now bring everyones attention to the oboe. Give this guy some credit, I mean, it's bulky, odd looking and about the strangest mouthpiece ever. It looks more like a really small bong than anything, and if music can be THAT educational it can only mean one thing: "The Educator's Award of Likedness". (Kind of lame, I mean, it's a pin in the form of an apple that has a book across it". Plus, as a stab at the system I'm sure all you under 16ers will notice the irony in the name itself. And if not, you've beat the system. Congratulations!
And now (cue drum roll - on second thoughts no, I hate sites with music) for the coolest instrument ever, (meaning of all time, aka the best in the world), I'm awarding the sitar the honors. Who amongst us can honestly say that they haven't learned to love the beauty of the melodious sitar at least once in the privacy of their own home? I would plead guilty. If only I could become Indian and begin to learn the mystical keys and patterns of shrill, whining, ear splitting, tones that are produced by this strange bango-like instrument. Because of these reasons, and the power vested in me through the musical awardery board of redundant merit, I hereby decree that the sitar is, and forever shall be "ye greatest instrument ever".
On a later note, I'd just like to say this article could have been much longer. Thank me for keeping it short and to the point. Just be sure to tip on your way out.
(Look people: I know olde English has nothing to do with the Sitar, seriously shut up already, it's a joke because it doesn't make sense! It's not supposed to sound smart! That's the entire point of this whole post! If you would..! Jesus nevermind, some people will never learn. Note to the aforementioned: Way to beat the system!)
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Nice hair dumbass
Blondes who think they can blame their stupidity on being blonde.
Wow.
Reread it.
Don't you just want to crawl into a corner and die.
I know I do.
God do I ever hate blondes who say shit like, "Oh! Blonde moment!" NO SHIT
Your whole life is a blonde moment, everyone around you can see that, so why do you insist on making it even more public? Oh and let's take a moment to wonder why blondes are making email adresses like "blondecutie69". Please. People, being blonde has nothing to do with anything. It's your hair color and contrary to popular belief, it's not about to get you more guys than any other girl. And if your cleverly adding "underscores" for absolutely no reason, and you're intentionally mispelling words in order to look kool, it's time that you return to the sixth grade.
Wow.
Reread it.
Don't you just want to crawl into a corner and die.
I know I do.
God do I ever hate blondes who say shit like, "Oh! Blonde moment!" NO SHIT
Your whole life is a blonde moment, everyone around you can see that, so why do you insist on making it even more public? Oh and let's take a moment to wonder why blondes are making email adresses like "blondecutie69". Please. People, being blonde has nothing to do with anything. It's your hair color and contrary to popular belief, it's not about to get you more guys than any other girl. And if your cleverly adding "underscores" for absolutely no reason, and you're intentionally mispelling words in order to look kool, it's time that you return to the sixth grade.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
C'est l'Anarchie qui Regnera
Interestingly enough, (or painfully enough, you can decide) I was talking on mess with an old friend a few nights ago. Exciting or what? Anyways, the person added someone to our conversation. They told me that the person had just added them and didn't know who it was. It just so happened that the person's name was something along the lines of "does any1 wanna cyber wit me, just shot!!1" .
Now, let's be honest. I'm a very thoughtful, and obviously sensitive person. I sensed this person's needs and knew they needed to have the shit kicked out of them.
My first instincts were to make fun of their name and how they couldn't hold down the shift key for long enough in order to have the third exclamation mark announcing their demise into the ranks of low-society. The shift key, please. There are two of them, and if you're lucky, there's one right below your left pinky. Oh and if you're really lucky, (and odds are you own what is called a ps2 keyboard, in fact, even if you didn't: I've never in my life seen a desktop keyboard without two shift keys), there just might be that same key right below your right pinky! Also, take a good look at their name. "any1". Please. Do I even have to explain?
Secondly, their name included "just shot!!1", which, having a typo in your display can only mean one thing. You know that you mispelt it for what we could call an "effect". Or, in this case, the word "shout" was mispelt so that the loser would look younger, perhaps say 12?
Anyways, the conversation went like this.
Me : "Oh you're cool. I just love it when 37y/o's pose as 13y/o's on chat."
He : "I'm only 12."
Me : "Then I suppose your one "available" hand must have slipped while typing "anyone" as you took a break from masturbating to internet porn?"
Brief pause whilst the "he is typing a message..." message appeared and then dissapeared.
Me : "No? Nothing?"
He : "I guess you're just one of those tough kids who think they know everything?"
Me : "I guess you're just one of those sexual predators who thinks they can have anything they want?"
He : "Don't try to be someone you're not you dumb little bastard."
Me : "I'm going to put my foot so far up your post-menstrual pussy that the broken condom from last night will be lost forever."
He has left the conversation.
Any guesses as to how many programming languages this guy knows? 27? 31? Does he speak in html? "yes, hi, semi-colon, open parenthesis, point, border equals zero... I'd like a cheeseburger, extra MSG, supersized, swimming in oil, just the way I like it." This reminds me of a time in Quebec when I asked Jason if he could tell me how to say something in xml... He pouted and then punched ("punched") me. Regardless, the walls of society are crumbling down around us. Where there was once order, anarchy has taken its place. There are people all around us who would love to see it happen. At least allow yourself to put these people in their place. Before it's too late an we all die terrible, terrible deaths. Actually, no don't bother. The sun is a harbinger of doom anyways.
Now, let's be honest. I'm a very thoughtful, and obviously sensitive person. I sensed this person's needs and knew they needed to have the shit kicked out of them.
My first instincts were to make fun of their name and how they couldn't hold down the shift key for long enough in order to have the third exclamation mark announcing their demise into the ranks of low-society. The shift key, please. There are two of them, and if you're lucky, there's one right below your left pinky. Oh and if you're really lucky, (and odds are you own what is called a ps2 keyboard, in fact, even if you didn't: I've never in my life seen a desktop keyboard without two shift keys), there just might be that same key right below your right pinky! Also, take a good look at their name. "any1". Please. Do I even have to explain?
Secondly, their name included "just shot!!1", which, having a typo in your display can only mean one thing. You know that you mispelt it for what we could call an "effect". Or, in this case, the word "shout" was mispelt so that the loser would look younger, perhaps say 12?
Anyways, the conversation went like this.
Me : "Oh you're cool. I just love it when 37y/o's pose as 13y/o's on chat."
He : "I'm only 12."
Me : "Then I suppose your one "available" hand must have slipped while typing "anyone" as you took a break from masturbating to internet porn?"
Brief pause whilst the "he is typing a message..." message appeared and then dissapeared.
Me : "No? Nothing?"
He : "I guess you're just one of those tough kids who think they know everything?"
Me : "I guess you're just one of those sexual predators who thinks they can have anything they want?"
He : "Don't try to be someone you're not you dumb little bastard."
Me : "I'm going to put my foot so far up your post-menstrual pussy that the broken condom from last night will be lost forever."
He has left the conversation.
Any guesses as to how many programming languages this guy knows? 27? 31? Does he speak in html? "yes, hi, semi-colon, open parenthesis, point, border equals zero... I'd like a cheeseburger, extra MSG, supersized, swimming in oil, just the way I like it." This reminds me of a time in Quebec when I asked Jason if he could tell me how to say something in xml... He pouted and then punched ("punched") me. Regardless, the walls of society are crumbling down around us. Where there was once order, anarchy has taken its place. There are people all around us who would love to see it happen. At least allow yourself to put these people in their place. Before it's too late an we all die terrible, terrible deaths. Actually, no don't bother. The sun is a harbinger of doom anyways.
Brother's Gonna Work It Out
days like today almost make you feel good to be alive, almost.
you really don't understand do you.. hey man don't you realise that in order for us to make this thing work we've got to get rid of the pimps an the pushas an the prostitutes and then start all over again clean. can't you see that we can't get rid off one without getting rid off the other, we gotta come down on both 'em at the same time, in order for this whole thing to work.
The state of politics: Confusion.
Yep, no real reason here, just had the inspiration, whether it be due to boredom or to the fact that people are still coming to the site regardless of what we post, I figured it was necessary to update the agenda. (Again, no real agenda here). First off, things are looking bright for the future here at politics. Partly because Carr and I both have a few ideas for something constructive to write about. (Long time readers - fear not, we haven't actually turned a new page). Also due to the fact that the vacation is coming up and that will allot more time towards writing more then only "entries".
A lot of things are being planned for later on this winter, although I will forever refuse to ditch the shittiness of the blogger templates. Paying for more webspace simply doesn't make sense right now. And also, our site looks poor for another reason: I have no respect for all those fancy-assed html sites that are contentless. You can find what you want through the archives and the links, nothing more. Furthermore, if Carr or I actually knew complicated html, we would also be fluent in such languages as c+, c++, java, linux, unix, xml, vb, basic, Modula-3, Eifel, Beta, and furthermore I would actually know what these cute little acronyms mean. (Oh, and let's not forget that after spending 99 days without sleep infront of my dos prompt, I would be able to come up with a cool name for the shit i spewed out. ie. "BLooP"). Maybe then I would also be able to write a dictionary of "Programming Languages" and post it for all those software techs who don't give a damn about how anything runs. Example, why is it that everytime I pull down a menu in Microsoft Word (or any MS program for that matter), it insists on hiding the options I've never used before. Microsoft Works = Oxi-Moron. Thanks Assholes. Yeah, You've done well this time, what with hiding the menus of the commands you've so painstakingly done for me. I mean sure, you bastards could argue that, "With a little time and patience you would be able to change that by going through tools... options...". I'm a busy man. I have no time for people who couldn't get it right the first time.
you really don't understand do you.. hey man don't you realise that in order for us to make this thing work we've got to get rid of the pimps an the pushas an the prostitutes and then start all over again clean. can't you see that we can't get rid off one without getting rid off the other, we gotta come down on both 'em at the same time, in order for this whole thing to work.
The state of politics: Confusion.
Yep, no real reason here, just had the inspiration, whether it be due to boredom or to the fact that people are still coming to the site regardless of what we post, I figured it was necessary to update the agenda. (Again, no real agenda here). First off, things are looking bright for the future here at politics. Partly because Carr and I both have a few ideas for something constructive to write about. (Long time readers - fear not, we haven't actually turned a new page). Also due to the fact that the vacation is coming up and that will allot more time towards writing more then only "entries".
A lot of things are being planned for later on this winter, although I will forever refuse to ditch the shittiness of the blogger templates. Paying for more webspace simply doesn't make sense right now. And also, our site looks poor for another reason: I have no respect for all those fancy-assed html sites that are contentless. You can find what you want through the archives and the links, nothing more. Furthermore, if Carr or I actually knew complicated html, we would also be fluent in such languages as c+, c++, java, linux, unix, xml, vb, basic, Modula-3, Eifel, Beta, and furthermore I would actually know what these cute little acronyms mean. (Oh, and let's not forget that after spending 99 days without sleep infront of my dos prompt, I would be able to come up with a cool name for the shit i spewed out. ie. "BLooP"). Maybe then I would also be able to write a dictionary of "Programming Languages" and post it for all those software techs who don't give a damn about how anything runs. Example, why is it that everytime I pull down a menu in Microsoft Word (or any MS program for that matter), it insists on hiding the options I've never used before. Microsoft Works = Oxi-Moron. Thanks Assholes. Yeah, You've done well this time, what with hiding the menus of the commands you've so painstakingly done for me. I mean sure, you bastards could argue that, "With a little time and patience you would be able to change that by going through tools... options...". I'm a busy man. I have no time for people who couldn't get it right the first time.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
State of the Nation
I can make myself laugh. I have known this for a long time. Whether it be tickling myself, thinking of something "J" might say (find your examples in "The Aidan Interview"), or even drinking battery acid, I can make myself laugh. Now, this is one of the few things in life that I am sure of. What I am certainly not sure of is why I can make other people laugh. I reread a few of my posts from August (refer to the archives), and I found that, yes, they do have a point behind them.
Whereas no matter how hard I try, this post won't.
Regardless of what's been done, I find myself posting on this lazy Sunday afternoon after having completed some ridiculous English homework. The first, and obviously most important point here is that I must accredit Shannon (the queen of conversation) for her wonderful work on the phrase "Eager Foreign Student". (Scroll down if you haven't read the article yet). After all, I stole it from her and never bothered to tell her until she read the page today and was very angry to find I has used it. Not being an understanding person, Shannon then decided to yell at me, accuse me of fraud and then of lying and stealing! Naturally she threatened me into posting the aforementioned.
Also on the agenda for today is to announce that the counter is slowly climbing. I'm sure that the team here at politics we will be able to find a nice gift for our 100th visitor. Thanks for the support.
And now, a short history of politics of the business:
The weblog started back towards the end of August when i found myself without anything to do in the early hours of the morning. My last days of summer weren't very happy, and I can safely say the first articles reflect that. Note on the very first post: credits to rhea for the tea line, I remember her saying that while at Tonya's one time.
I guess we could say that the site never really took off until I updated the format, ditching Blogger's original template. The icons and images are very clichéd and kitchy, but it added a bit of visual distraction to the site. Carr jumped on the bandwagon not long ago, and has been playing sitar ever since. The counter was put up on Friday, yes Friday the 5th of December. We're still getting over the shock of so many people hitting politics! (Oh and if anyone asks if I went to the page and hit refresh over and over again to make it look like politics gets hits, I'll call them a dumbass because it's not hard to edit the count anyways). In recent news, McDonald's still airs my favorite commercial, and ironically enough, my mom mentioned that, "I wonder what they used before", when she saw it the other day. Anyways, the rest, as they say, is history.
Lastly, if anyone would like to quote or simply plagiarize my site, I would really appreciate it if they showed respect by linking back to it. Also, if anyone feels the urge to link to politics from their site, I have space (This includes limited space for gifs and jpgs). for some shouts and a few "advertisements", if anyone wants more traffic.
Whereas no matter how hard I try, this post won't.
Regardless of what's been done, I find myself posting on this lazy Sunday afternoon after having completed some ridiculous English homework. The first, and obviously most important point here is that I must accredit Shannon (the queen of conversation) for her wonderful work on the phrase "Eager Foreign Student". (Scroll down if you haven't read the article yet). After all, I stole it from her and never bothered to tell her until she read the page today and was very angry to find I has used it. Not being an understanding person, Shannon then decided to yell at me, accuse me of fraud and then of lying and stealing! Naturally she threatened me into posting the aforementioned.
Also on the agenda for today is to announce that the counter is slowly climbing. I'm sure that the team here at politics we will be able to find a nice gift for our 100th visitor. Thanks for the support.
And now, a short history of politics of the business:
The weblog started back towards the end of August when i found myself without anything to do in the early hours of the morning. My last days of summer weren't very happy, and I can safely say the first articles reflect that. Note on the very first post: credits to rhea for the tea line, I remember her saying that while at Tonya's one time.
I guess we could say that the site never really took off until I updated the format, ditching Blogger's original template. The icons and images are very clichéd and kitchy, but it added a bit of visual distraction to the site. Carr jumped on the bandwagon not long ago, and has been playing sitar ever since. The counter was put up on Friday, yes Friday the 5th of December. We're still getting over the shock of so many people hitting politics! (Oh and if anyone asks if I went to the page and hit refresh over and over again to make it look like politics gets hits, I'll call them a dumbass because it's not hard to edit the count anyways). In recent news, McDonald's still airs my favorite commercial, and ironically enough, my mom mentioned that, "I wonder what they used before", when she saw it the other day. Anyways, the rest, as they say, is history.
Lastly, if anyone would like to quote or simply plagiarize my site, I would really appreciate it if they showed respect by linking back to it. Also, if anyone feels the urge to link to politics from their site, I have space (This includes limited space for gifs and jpgs). for some shouts and a few "advertisements", if anyone wants more traffic.
Saturday, December 06, 2003
Days like today
Greetings people who are dumb enough to be reading this. Anyways, in the spirit of "blog" I thought I would take a moment here to announce a few things.
First of all the counter is up and running as of yesterday. Last I checked it's at 23. Thanks to zcounter.
Second, Carr and I would like to welcome bennydon to the team here at politics. Handshakes all around of course, although I'm rather skeptical on the issue of him ever posting anything. Regardless... we'll see how it goes.
Finally, there was a great response to the interview. Barret was heard saying "You've really outdone yourself this time, my friend..." When I asked him "With what?" He told me that, "I'm not sure, but when i do, you'll be the first to know".
Shouts to the Don, Pissed-himself, and that kid who doesn't know what "obsolete" means.
"Days like today, huh dude." - Donny (Steve Buscemi). "The Big Lebowski"
First of all the counter is up and running as of yesterday. Last I checked it's at 23. Thanks to zcounter.
Second, Carr and I would like to welcome bennydon to the team here at politics. Handshakes all around of course, although I'm rather skeptical on the issue of him ever posting anything. Regardless... we'll see how it goes.
Finally, there was a great response to the interview. Barret was heard saying "You've really outdone yourself this time, my friend..." When I asked him "With what?" He told me that, "I'm not sure, but when i do, you'll be the first to know".
Shouts to the Don, Pissed-himself, and that kid who doesn't know what "obsolete" means.
"Days like today, huh dude." - Donny (Steve Buscemi). "The Big Lebowski"
Thursday, December 04, 2003
The Aidan Interview
Yes! It's finally here! aka - I've finally gotten off my ass to write it up.. Well enjoy.
The Background - Carr and I interviewed our good buddy Aidan. We posed 10 questions, to which we mercilessly made fun of the kid. This was during french class, and Palomino was subbing - just in case you know who he is.
1. C- What is your full name?
A- Joshua Aidan Jensen Holu -
C- Shut the fuck up!
A- (Ignoring Carr) Now! How 'bout giving me some ass!...... (Quietly) Little boys.
C- Uh what?
A- Oh am I supposed to be joking?
2. Aidan, do you remember when you thought HTML stood for "Hotmail"?
A- I didn't do that, it was Danielle.
C- No it was you.
Argument ensues.
A- 'Scuse me I gotta put on my headgear.
C- What the? Where's Justin? (He went to take a shit, and then denied it after he returned from the bathroom fifteen minutes after leaving).
A- Oh ya. Carr shoulda brought a recorder.
C- (Makes recorder noises) Too-t-too-tooo. (Waits for astounding looks of impression on our faces). I took lessons (beaming).
3. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be? And don't say banana 'cause we know you would be bullshitting us. Although, do take note that "Plantain" would be an acceptable answer.
A- How many questions are there? (Dumb smile).
C- You do know what a Plantain is, don't you?
A- No.
C- It's a small banana -
A- Hmm... Passionfruit!
4. If you were a protest poster, what would you say?
A- (Stares off into the distance)
C- I'll repeat...
A- Ban Sanscartier from the earth!
C- And lick the whales?
J- (Beaming) On my bus, I just stood up and yelled out "Whaaaaalleeee" really loud and all the kids looked out the window!
- Awkward Silence-
(Aidan later told me how much ass Justin smelt like... "He smells like an Italian sausage factory, 'cept not a good one").
5. Who is your favorite teen girl from Strongbad's "Teen Girl Squad". How Come?
A- So and so. I don't know. So and so!
6. Where's the strangest place you've fulfilled you childish desires?
A- I thought we already discussed this at Yap's place.
C- But we're putting this on the Internet. (Garbled).
A- We can all say the beach.
C- When you were burried up to your neck in sand?
A- I don't know... The kitchen.
C- Oh Aidan... (Dissapointed look).
7. Do you have Shelly Louch's phone number memorized? (Wait for answer). Don't lie, you lying bastard!
A- No.
C- Don't lie, you lying bastard!
A- Is that written in there?
C- Umm no...
A- 484-4669
C- That's Yap
J- That's Yap's isn't it?
C- Umm sure how-
Yeah, I stopped listening here. But picked it up again here:
A- And the context was something about pre-pubescent clit! So she {Shelly} got mad, "I've never heard you talk like that before!"
M- Did you guys know that the Hell's Angels, back in the '50's awarded "Red Wings" to members who popped a girls cherry with their tongue?
-Discussion about Red Wings-
J- How would they know? Like bring her in and ask her?
A- Shut the fuck up!
8. What happened that day when Matt and Yap came to your house with Kaleigh (mispronouces it - "Ka-lee") and Shelly? Why was your dad so angry?
A- (Puts on hood). You know this story. 'Cause he's an overprotective asshole. I didn't give him any notice-
M- Tool.
A- "Friends eh" (Imitating Francis) "They can come on in.. Wait! Girls - In the backyard, Aidan. Yes, I'll check on you every three minutes, offer some chips? Opium?"
9. Name the first three points on "Oscar's Lexicon". (Aidan's dog has a list of rules and words his step-mom made him make in order to train the dog). What a chump.
A- "Chewy". "Injurbed", when you're supposed to make him go to bed.
C- I know the top point on YOUR lexicon! Jack off in the kitchen!
A- Nah, I ejaculated in your coat.
C- Fuck you.
10. Do you recall you own birth? What would you guess your dad said after that "magic moment"?
M- You can tell I wrote this.
A- Bastard. What magic moment? "Magic Mistake" maybe. "Oh god! Why did the condom have to break? And yes, I do recall it. So many shitty years ago.
Notes on the text: A is Aidan, C is Carr, J is Justin and M is Matt (myself, who also wrote down what was said). Otherwise, Carr asked many of the questions, except for the ones where it says I did, or it's self-explanatory.
A special thanks to Aidan for "allowing" *cough* the team here at politics to post the interview.
The Background - Carr and I interviewed our good buddy Aidan. We posed 10 questions, to which we mercilessly made fun of the kid. This was during french class, and Palomino was subbing - just in case you know who he is.
1. C- What is your full name?
A- Joshua Aidan Jensen Holu -
C- Shut the fuck up!
A- (Ignoring Carr) Now! How 'bout giving me some ass!...... (Quietly) Little boys.
C- Uh what?
A- Oh am I supposed to be joking?
2. Aidan, do you remember when you thought HTML stood for "Hotmail"?
A- I didn't do that, it was Danielle.
C- No it was you.
Argument ensues.
A- 'Scuse me I gotta put on my headgear.
C- What the? Where's Justin? (He went to take a shit, and then denied it after he returned from the bathroom fifteen minutes after leaving).
A- Oh ya. Carr shoulda brought a recorder.
C- (Makes recorder noises) Too-t-too-tooo. (Waits for astounding looks of impression on our faces). I took lessons (beaming).
3. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be? And don't say banana 'cause we know you would be bullshitting us. Although, do take note that "Plantain" would be an acceptable answer.
A- How many questions are there? (Dumb smile).
C- You do know what a Plantain is, don't you?
A- No.
C- It's a small banana -
A- Hmm... Passionfruit!
4. If you were a protest poster, what would you say?
A- (Stares off into the distance)
C- I'll repeat...
A- Ban Sanscartier from the earth!
C- And lick the whales?
J- (Beaming) On my bus, I just stood up and yelled out "Whaaaaalleeee" really loud and all the kids looked out the window!
- Awkward Silence-
(Aidan later told me how much ass Justin smelt like... "He smells like an Italian sausage factory, 'cept not a good one").
5. Who is your favorite teen girl from Strongbad's "Teen Girl Squad". How Come?
A- So and so. I don't know. So and so!
6. Where's the strangest place you've fulfilled you childish desires?
A- I thought we already discussed this at Yap's place.
C- But we're putting this on the Internet. (Garbled).
A- We can all say the beach.
C- When you were burried up to your neck in sand?
A- I don't know... The kitchen.
C- Oh Aidan... (Dissapointed look).
7. Do you have Shelly Louch's phone number memorized? (Wait for answer). Don't lie, you lying bastard!
A- No.
C- Don't lie, you lying bastard!
A- Is that written in there?
C- Umm no...
A- 484-4669
C- That's Yap
J- That's Yap's isn't it?
C- Umm sure how-
Yeah, I stopped listening here. But picked it up again here:
A- And the context was something about pre-pubescent clit! So she {Shelly} got mad, "I've never heard you talk like that before!"
M- Did you guys know that the Hell's Angels, back in the '50's awarded "Red Wings" to members who popped a girls cherry with their tongue?
-Discussion about Red Wings-
J- How would they know? Like bring her in and ask her?
A- Shut the fuck up!
8. What happened that day when Matt and Yap came to your house with Kaleigh (mispronouces it - "Ka-lee") and Shelly? Why was your dad so angry?
A- (Puts on hood). You know this story. 'Cause he's an overprotective asshole. I didn't give him any notice-
M- Tool.
A- "Friends eh" (Imitating Francis) "They can come on in.. Wait! Girls - In the backyard, Aidan. Yes, I'll check on you every three minutes, offer some chips? Opium?"
9. Name the first three points on "Oscar's Lexicon". (Aidan's dog has a list of rules and words his step-mom made him make in order to train the dog). What a chump.
A- "Chewy". "Injurbed", when you're supposed to make him go to bed.
C- I know the top point on YOUR lexicon! Jack off in the kitchen!
A- Nah, I ejaculated in your coat.
C- Fuck you.
10. Do you recall you own birth? What would you guess your dad said after that "magic moment"?
M- You can tell I wrote this.
A- Bastard. What magic moment? "Magic Mistake" maybe. "Oh god! Why did the condom have to break? And yes, I do recall it. So many shitty years ago.
Notes on the text: A is Aidan, C is Carr, J is Justin and M is Matt (myself, who also wrote down what was said). Otherwise, Carr asked many of the questions, except for the ones where it says I did, or it's self-explanatory.
A special thanks to Aidan for "allowing" *cough* the team here at politics to post the interview.
