Politics of the Business

Spring Valley, NV - In what is being discarded by industry critics as "neither an overwhelming victory nor a decisive defeat for fast food", Peter Flossie's 6 hour fast has come to an abrupt end.

Early Saturday morning, around approximately 12:20AM Eastern Time, sources say Mr Flossie, 36, arrived at McDonald's Restaurant #303. Unaware that the eatery, located on 14th street and 6th avenue, closed for a period of six hours between midnight and 6AM, Flossie arrived hungry in his blue Pontiac sedan. Famished, Flossie remarked after the fact that "[he] had never been made aware of the hours of operation" and "had long assumed since childhood that the McDonald's ran 24 hours." Wrong, Flossie's adamant and frequently miscalculating single personality quickly incited him to act irrationally. A machinist working alongside welders of various talents, Flossie had suffered another long day at work. A history of increasingly over-overtime shifts had increased his inability to distinguish between logical paths of thought and pure cranium mayhem. "I just remembered poli-sci and how once in that Chinese restaurant I got a fortune cookie that said I would soon do something life changing!".

Peter Flossie's sister, Marybeth Turner, recalls a phone call shortly after 1:20 in the AM: "It was something about him and the Bill of Rights, something about Article 4... I don't know. I gather there was a felt pen or a marker involved".

The next five and a half hours saw Flossie arrange a makeshift billboard over the existing "Make it Beef." ad, replacing the "Beef" with "24H." He went on to glue a petition to the door, inciting "the hungry and the un-fooled" to "remove the wool from over their eyes and demand late-night satisfaction".

Troy Len, 15, was the opening man for the Saturday 6AM shift. Troy: "The 6er? Oh yeah, I came in and there was this guy who'd written "Hungry for the Truth" on this blue car in paint or something? And he demanded to speak to my manager. I told him he wasn't there, and that was about all the fight he put up (...) Did it surprise me? Yeah man, that guy looked like he was nesting there overnight. I thought he meant business. Like a bird! A peregrin falcon! Those things are so cool."

Faced with a long lineup of 6AM customers, Troy recalls Flossie's blue car leaving the parking lot at approximately 6:20AM. Flossie explains: "I didn't get in line early enough I guess, so I was just like '---- it. I'll get a gyro and fries from across the street, they've been open all night and it's better food anyways'."

Americans across the Inland Northwest, South Central and Central Region of the nation are experiencing feelings of discomfort today after a new study released by the American Institute of Geneology suggests that many Americans may not truly be "Americans" at all.

The study explains in great detail how the United States was formed when thirteen colonies of Great Britain asserted their independence and created a federal constitutional republic. It goes on to cite strong evidence indicating that the United States was not, as many believe, settled by Americans, but rather that the nation was begun by immigrants. These immigrants, although it goes contrary to popular belief, came from nations in West and Central Europe. The study too hypothesizes that some may have been from as far east as what is today known as Poland.

Americans have been slow to react positively to the study. Although painstakingly researched by an accredited and well-respected organization, Professor Charles White of the University of Tuscon observed that, "No history text in America would contain therein this rubbish!" While Rene Formier, spokesman for America! E Pluribus Unum!, described the study as "clearly not based on any real history" and "perhaps the Institute simply confused the United States with Canada".

Contacted for a possible press forum, an irrate Mel Rompsel, Exec. Director of Public Relations with the Institute had this to say: "People will continue to be undereducated unless they learn to accept empirical evidence as it presents itself. The veracity of our study should not be of concern, but rather the illogic with which it is refuted! See clearly America!"

Many, however, are still dismissing the evidence as "highly theoretical" and "probably not based on any Biblical passages whatsoever".

Only days after YearlyKos 2007 made headlines around the nation, the blogosphere has turned out another convention of equal importance. The Knighting of the Beef Ceremony takes place next Saturday, the 25th of August, in Buxton, Ohio. Described by organizers as "a small way to remember the knighting of beef, and to say 'Hey King Henry VIII, thanks for bestowing an honor so grand, so saith legend, upon a cut of beef'", the celebrations will be twofold. First, the signing of the beef ceremony where attendees will sign the sirloin (above the loin) portion of a young bovine, and second, the so-called Feast of the Guildsmen, where those same attendees cook and consume the meat.

Buxton residents are especially excited (as always) around this time of year as indications of the important event are beginning to appear in the streets. A large, inflatable cow has been purchased and donated by the Wess family, and this year, banners featuring the popular "cow tail and pie" logo have been hung from streetlamps.

Entrance to the event is free, but a dinner ticket will cost 20$.