Friday, December 28, 2007
Area Man Finds Place to Sleep
Boise, ID - It has been reported that area man James McDonald has found a place to sleep. The 32 year old homeless person has been a Boise resident with "no fixed address" since May of last year. Recently, McDonald has been frequenting the shelters and church-organized centers for men and women in his situation, but due to a lack of beds and frequent fighting with the other patrons, had not been sleeping the entire night. Today, however, sources told politics that McDonald has found a place to sleep.
"It will be a great privilege, and not to misstate also the honor that a modest bed, some clean linens, and perhaps even a warm cup of water will bring into my life, breathing anew aspiration filled successes into my black and rotting lungs." said McDonald. He continues,"It will be a struggle of course, as but a man borne back against the ever-crashing tides to find a place of rest for tomorrow. But today, the ship is well on due course, and I shall, with great fortune, undertake this area of leisurely seclusion, and, to the best of my humble abilities, use it fortright to gather energy for the search tomorrow shall surely bring."
"It will be a great privilege, and not to misstate also the honor that a modest bed, some clean linens, and perhaps even a warm cup of water will bring into my life, breathing anew aspiration filled successes into my black and rotting lungs." said McDonald. He continues,"It will be a struggle of course, as but a man borne back against the ever-crashing tides to find a place of rest for tomorrow. But today, the ship is well on due course, and I shall, with great fortune, undertake this area of leisurely seclusion, and, to the best of my humble abilities, use it fortright to gather energy for the search tomorrow shall surely bring."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Scientists Verify "You Smelt It, You Dealt It" Rule
After years of contentious schoolyard debate, the "You Smelt It, You Dealt It" Rule is finally being called Law by the scientific community. Infamous among the flatulent and the dislikers of the flatulent, this old adage has been at the forefront of much discussion over the past week. Young scientists Tom and Robert Bueller were the initiative takers in tackling this debate, which some say, is as old as farting itself.
A flawless experimental design presented at the Mulbury Middle School science fair yielded the definitive results:
"We just stayed together in the same bathroom, one step apart, every time one of us had to fart. Of course, pooing wasn't counted." explained young Tom. "Then, when one of us smelt the fart, we marked down on a big piece of paper who smelt it first. Luckily, Mrs. Barns taught us how to make pie charts in math last week, so we knew how to present the data in a meaningful way".
Continued Robert: "Dad helped us make sure that the alpha values were OK and that P was less than or equal to 0.05. I don't know what that means, but it got us lots of points in our conclusion at the science fair." He added, "Thanks dad!"
After earning big marks at the local science fair, (but failing to make it to the regionals), the boy's project, presented on a red Bristol-board, was noticed by a local enterogastrologist. While he wishes to remain nameless, it is rumoured that his undergraduate students heard him remark that, "The boys stumbled across something I'd been hoping to prove for a long time." Despite certain ill-smelt feelings, the Dr. referenced the boy's project in the write-up of a similar experiment he later conducted with cats. This citation got the boys noticed by the local university, and has since sent them to a conference in Seattle and a cat farm in Wisconsin.
The boys have had the help of a lab technician in writing several Peer-Reviewed Academic Papers. A summary of the findings will be published in Science magazine, in the upcoming January issue.
A flawless experimental design presented at the Mulbury Middle School science fair yielded the definitive results:
"We just stayed together in the same bathroom, one step apart, every time one of us had to fart. Of course, pooing wasn't counted." explained young Tom. "Then, when one of us smelt the fart, we marked down on a big piece of paper who smelt it first. Luckily, Mrs. Barns taught us how to make pie charts in math last week, so we knew how to present the data in a meaningful way".
Continued Robert: "Dad helped us make sure that the alpha values were OK and that P was less than or equal to 0.05. I don't know what that means, but it got us lots of points in our conclusion at the science fair." He added, "Thanks dad!"
After earning big marks at the local science fair, (but failing to make it to the regionals), the boy's project, presented on a red Bristol-board, was noticed by a local enterogastrologist. While he wishes to remain nameless, it is rumoured that his undergraduate students heard him remark that, "The boys stumbled across something I'd been hoping to prove for a long time." Despite certain ill-smelt feelings, the Dr. referenced the boy's project in the write-up of a similar experiment he later conducted with cats. This citation got the boys noticed by the local university, and has since sent them to a conference in Seattle and a cat farm in Wisconsin.
The boys have had the help of a lab technician in writing several Peer-Reviewed Academic Papers. A summary of the findings will be published in Science magazine, in the upcoming January issue.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Researchers Declare Pizza Pop 'Most Dangerous Food to Consume post-Consumption'
Citing the cheesestring-like cheese, very hot pepperoni pieces and difficulty with which a Pillusbury Pizza Pop is evenly heated, experts at the Institute for Food Literacy yesterday released the conclusive evidence that it is the food most likely to cause personal danger during periods of post alcohol consumption.
"The peril a personal Pizza Pop produces should not be underestimated; during a phase of post-consumption, the Pizza Pop is, statiscally speaking, much more likely to bring about harm than any other food." Explained Dr. Stevenson-Burns, BSc., MSc., and sitting Co-Chair for the Research Council of Food and Food Related Injuries. He added: "The various experiments we have crafted at the Institute to test the so called "defense-mechanisms" of foodstuffs have been standardized for all food categories: Dairy, Ovary [fruit] and Vegetable, and Cocoa and Cocoa sister-products. Of all currently databased resultants, it was the Pizza Pop that produced the most disturbing results".
The Research Council's primary request is that the delicious, nutritious, and with 35% of your daily recommended vitamin C intake Pizza Pop be removed from the freezer shelves immediately, until an impartial mediator can meet with the Pillsbury company and agree on a strategy to render the snack less dangerous. The Council's concerns range from failing to grades in the various experimental tests to an influx of consumer reports from the field, indicating a general dissatisfaction with the Pizza Pop when consumed.
Although only 50 of the 155 page report has been released to the public (the rest as-yet unreviewed by the Federal Snack Consumption Board and thus, unavailable at the time of press), the results of the so-far published tests are disconcerting. The snack food received failing grades in all of the following categories: Explosivity (And the Temperature Coorelation), Filling to Molar Heat Capacity ratio, Number of Simulated Meat Particles per unit area (and the effects therein), and finally, Tenderness Factor; the Ability to Protonate-Oxidize Enamel (Hydroxlyapatite- crystalline calcium phosphate), Leaving the Consumer Susceptible to Post-Consumption/Pre-Natural Ageing Wear of the Gum and Tooth Line. Only the Overall Taste Contingency Test provided the Pizza Pop with a passing grade, a mear L-Alpha(+), which in laymen's terms translates to a D-.
The Federal Government has announced it will, thus far, take no new precautionary measures to warn consumers of the danger of consuming a Pizza Pop post-consumption. While lobby groups have already begun to scramble to save Pillsbury and the pizza-snack-like's reputation, it is also certain that enjoyers of alcohol and morning-after snacks will become more hesitant as they browse the frozen aisle after work on Friday's.
"The peril a personal Pizza Pop produces should not be underestimated; during a phase of post-consumption, the Pizza Pop is, statiscally speaking, much more likely to bring about harm than any other food." Explained Dr. Stevenson-Burns, BSc., MSc., and sitting Co-Chair for the Research Council of Food and Food Related Injuries. He added: "The various experiments we have crafted at the Institute to test the so called "defense-mechanisms" of foodstuffs have been standardized for all food categories: Dairy, Ovary [fruit] and Vegetable, and Cocoa and Cocoa sister-products. Of all currently databased resultants, it was the Pizza Pop that produced the most disturbing results".
The Research Council's primary request is that the delicious, nutritious, and with 35% of your daily recommended vitamin C intake Pizza Pop be removed from the freezer shelves immediately, until an impartial mediator can meet with the Pillsbury company and agree on a strategy to render the snack less dangerous. The Council's concerns range from failing to grades in the various experimental tests to an influx of consumer reports from the field, indicating a general dissatisfaction with the Pizza Pop when consumed.
Although only 50 of the 155 page report has been released to the public (the rest as-yet unreviewed by the Federal Snack Consumption Board and thus, unavailable at the time of press), the results of the so-far published tests are disconcerting. The snack food received failing grades in all of the following categories: Explosivity (And the Temperature Coorelation), Filling to Molar Heat Capacity ratio, Number of Simulated Meat Particles per unit area (and the effects therein), and finally, Tenderness Factor; the Ability to Protonate-Oxidize Enamel (Hydroxlyapatite- crystalline calcium phosphate), Leaving the Consumer Susceptible to Post-Consumption/Pre-Natural Ageing Wear of the Gum and Tooth Line. Only the Overall Taste Contingency Test provided the Pizza Pop with a passing grade, a mear L-Alpha(+), which in laymen's terms translates to a D-.
The Federal Government has announced it will, thus far, take no new precautionary measures to warn consumers of the danger of consuming a Pizza Pop post-consumption. While lobby groups have already begun to scramble to save Pillsbury and the pizza-snack-like's reputation, it is also certain that enjoyers of alcohol and morning-after snacks will become more hesitant as they browse the frozen aisle after work on Friday's.
