Saturday, May 29, 2004
Duelin' Again
Today's political question of the day is going to take some real thought:
As gangsters, what should we drink, Cristal or Tanqueray?
In a similar debate, broadcast on national TV, two hot-dog vendors went at it on Judge Joe Brown the other day. Naturally, I was there, watching the heated debate concerning just who has violated who's hot-dog business. This has lead me to a simple conclusion:
Judge Joe Brown is the coolest show on television right now. (Hypocrite Watchers, please - See: sunny sunny Sunnyvale).
In order to explain to you maggots just how great of a show this really is, I'm going to break it down with a series of questions. Bear with me as I examine a blood sample of pop-culture.
Black Judge? Check
Beautiful Bayliffs? Check
Hilarious "Jerry Springer" style debates? Check
Court can be put into "recess"? Check
Small Mexican finger foods for the live audience? Not yet, but I hear (a leak from the producer himself, an essay, if you will) that they're really working on it.
Excess of white trailer park trash every few episodes? Check
Unbelievable intro concerning the Honorable Joe Brown's "passion for justice"? Are you kidding me? CHECK
To further illustrate my point, just look at this week's shows!
May 31, 2004
Case 1:
Ohio landlords claim a young tenant allegedly ran over a young Mulberry tree while showing off his ATV.
Case 2:
A California family fights over a car that was moved during a medical emergency and later ran up thousands of dollars in fines.
June 01, 2004
Case 1:
A St. Paul, Minnesota mother and daughter battle over new and old loans as well as a tax refund.
Case 2:A St. Paul, Minnesota mother and daughter battle over new and old loans as well as a tax refund.
June 02, 2004
Case 1:
A good Samaritan woman from Milwaukee takes in her daughter’s friend, but after 5 months of rent-free living, the favor is over.
Case 2:
Friends move to Florida together but soon trouble follows when one is unable to get a job.
Seen enough?
As for a seasoned watcher like it's easy to imagine that the shows would become predictable and uninteresting after seen a few episodes. UNLIKELY. The cases are always fresh with hilarious twists and turns, unlike on Judge Judy (what kind of alliteration is that anyways? Like really, if you're notJudge Joe get the fuck out!) where everything is sordid and ridiculously cliché. Everyone knows Judge Joe offers what the competitors can't deliver. The man is black for God's sake!
Furthermore, here is the synopsis from an upcoming episode. A Racine, Wisconsin bus driver says her ex-husband allegedly will not allow her children travel with her to Europe because he accuses her of engaging in pornographic activity. Where else could you catch such racy case? I guarantee you Judge Joe Brown will even throw in a few clever and witty remarks concerning this guy who was spat out the bottom of the porn industry. He's just that much of a God.
The problem with the average court show (People's Court, Judge Judy, etc.) is that the Judge just yells and insults the people's person. (Not a typo, just become as smart as me, chump). It's not funny this way, because you're thinking the whole time, "man, why aren't you Judge Joe Brown?" And I know for sure that when I'm thinking of Judge Joe Brown, I can't concentrate on anything other than his clean, crisp, morning-fresh wit. If anyone else's wit is as witty as his, Jesus, I don't know wit to tell you.
Oh, and you know the cases aren't staged because they let you call in with your own cases. Ever lent money to a boyfriend or girlfriend and wanted it back after the breakup? Call 1-800-JOESLAW,
or Trailer Park Resident Hotline 1-800YOUREPO
As gangsters, what should we drink, Cristal or Tanqueray?
In a similar debate, broadcast on national TV, two hot-dog vendors went at it on Judge Joe Brown the other day. Naturally, I was there, watching the heated debate concerning just who has violated who's hot-dog business. This has lead me to a simple conclusion:
Judge Joe Brown is the coolest show on television right now. (Hypocrite Watchers, please - See: sunny sunny Sunnyvale).
In order to explain to you maggots just how great of a show this really is, I'm going to break it down with a series of questions. Bear with me as I examine a blood sample of pop-culture.
Black Judge? Check
Beautiful Bayliffs? Check
Hilarious "Jerry Springer" style debates? Check
Court can be put into "recess"? Check
Small Mexican finger foods for the live audience? Not yet, but I hear (a leak from the producer himself, an essay, if you will) that they're really working on it.
Excess of white trailer park trash every few episodes? Check
Unbelievable intro concerning the Honorable Joe Brown's "passion for justice"? Are you kidding me? CHECK
To further illustrate my point, just look at this week's shows!
May 31, 2004
Case 1:
Ohio landlords claim a young tenant allegedly ran over a young Mulberry tree while showing off his ATV.
Case 2:
A California family fights over a car that was moved during a medical emergency and later ran up thousands of dollars in fines.
June 01, 2004
Case 1:
A St. Paul, Minnesota mother and daughter battle over new and old loans as well as a tax refund.
Case 2:A St. Paul, Minnesota mother and daughter battle over new and old loans as well as a tax refund.
June 02, 2004
Case 1:
A good Samaritan woman from Milwaukee takes in her daughter’s friend, but after 5 months of rent-free living, the favor is over.
Case 2:
Friends move to Florida together but soon trouble follows when one is unable to get a job.
Seen enough?
As for a seasoned watcher like it's easy to imagine that the shows would become predictable and uninteresting after seen a few episodes. UNLIKELY. The cases are always fresh with hilarious twists and turns, unlike on Judge Judy (what kind of alliteration is that anyways? Like really, if you're notJudge Joe get the fuck out!) where everything is sordid and ridiculously cliché. Everyone knows Judge Joe offers what the competitors can't deliver. The man is black for God's sake!
Furthermore, here is the synopsis from an upcoming episode. A Racine, Wisconsin bus driver says her ex-husband allegedly will not allow her children travel with her to Europe because he accuses her of engaging in pornographic activity. Where else could you catch such racy case? I guarantee you Judge Joe Brown will even throw in a few clever and witty remarks concerning this guy who was spat out the bottom of the porn industry. He's just that much of a God.
The problem with the average court show (People's Court, Judge Judy, etc.) is that the Judge just yells and insults the people's person. (Not a typo, just become as smart as me, chump). It's not funny this way, because you're thinking the whole time, "man, why aren't you Judge Joe Brown?" And I know for sure that when I'm thinking of Judge Joe Brown, I can't concentrate on anything other than his clean, crisp, morning-fresh wit. If anyone else's wit is as witty as his, Jesus, I don't know wit to tell you.
Oh, and you know the cases aren't staged because they let you call in with your own cases. Ever lent money to a boyfriend or girlfriend and wanted it back after the breakup? Call 1-800-JOESLAW,
or Trailer Park Resident Hotline 1-800YOUREPO
Downplaying conservative Canada
Well, if anyone else had the unfortunacy (not actually a word) of glancing over the front page of The Journal this morning, I think you may already have an idea about what I'm talking about.
Sure, I have nothing against a humorous column, or a good joke about Paul Martin, but this particular article featured 6 pictures of our (possible) leader in the same pose over and over: fist, extended into the air, with grim look on face. The pictures were each date stamped (ie. May 25th) and the title of the article read "Punching up the political volume" ; "It's all in the hands". Sure... Great reporting, just great.
On top of that, two of the pictures are really worth deciphering.
The first, taken on May 25th, features Martin in a very-extreme close-up. Only the side of his head, (lack of hair abreast) and his clenched fist, with upper arm, thrust skyward. Almost as high as Jack Layton's budget proposition. (Which by the way clearly labels him as the modern day Robin Hood for having decided to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Any complaints? I thought not!) Unfortunately for us, this picture has been made into a silhouette. (The blue sky background is silhouette-optional, duh!) And the strangely isosceles nose of ours truly only further adds to the "mood".
The second picture I would like to point out was photographed on May 26th and clearly shows Mr. Martin in all his glory. Light blue shirt on, and arms (you guessed it) extended fully into the air in a sort of primordial victory celebration. These traits only spotlight the huge pit stains sustained by his 300$ Dolce & Gabbana outerwear. I guess that's the symbol we need for Canada. Pit stain Martin living it up (cuffs also rolled up, mind you) sporting his, what looks to be like, "fishing face". I say this because his expression really does look like he's just been out of fishing in his bran' 'ew tenny-for footer and came home with a stellar 4 foot bass.
The Breakdown doesn't turn out to be much more concise (or useful for that matter), "Martin's body language evocative on campaign trail". Uhh... "Martin, in Hitler like poses stuns the masses, new opium prescribed!" Anyhow, Martin launched his attack on Stephen Harper's Conservatives, blazing an election trail that shall not dissapoint. What I mean to say of course, is that the election is overated, democracy has no real meaning to anyone under the voting age, (or anyone who votes Green) and Canadian politics are breaking under the rush of real views currently being expressed by the (socialist) youth.
I only wish...
Sure, I have nothing against a humorous column, or a good joke about Paul Martin, but this particular article featured 6 pictures of our (possible) leader in the same pose over and over: fist, extended into the air, with grim look on face. The pictures were each date stamped (ie. May 25th) and the title of the article read "Punching up the political volume" ; "It's all in the hands". Sure... Great reporting, just great.
On top of that, two of the pictures are really worth deciphering.
The first, taken on May 25th, features Martin in a very-extreme close-up. Only the side of his head, (lack of hair abreast) and his clenched fist, with upper arm, thrust skyward. Almost as high as Jack Layton's budget proposition. (Which by the way clearly labels him as the modern day Robin Hood for having decided to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Any complaints? I thought not!) Unfortunately for us, this picture has been made into a silhouette. (The blue sky background is silhouette-optional, duh!) And the strangely isosceles nose of ours truly only further adds to the "mood".
The second picture I would like to point out was photographed on May 26th and clearly shows Mr. Martin in all his glory. Light blue shirt on, and arms (you guessed it) extended fully into the air in a sort of primordial victory celebration. These traits only spotlight the huge pit stains sustained by his 300$ Dolce & Gabbana outerwear. I guess that's the symbol we need for Canada. Pit stain Martin living it up (cuffs also rolled up, mind you) sporting his, what looks to be like, "fishing face". I say this because his expression really does look like he's just been out of fishing in his bran' 'ew tenny-for footer and came home with a stellar 4 foot bass.
The Breakdown doesn't turn out to be much more concise (or useful for that matter), "Martin's body language evocative on campaign trail". Uhh... "Martin, in Hitler like poses stuns the masses, new opium prescribed!" Anyhow, Martin launched his attack on Stephen Harper's Conservatives, blazing an election trail that shall not dissapoint. What I mean to say of course, is that the election is overated, democracy has no real meaning to anyone under the voting age, (or anyone who votes Green) and Canadian politics are breaking under the rush of real views currently being expressed by the (socialist) youth.
I only wish...
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Doing the Butts Justice.
Venue : Laurier Park
Time of day : Afternoon
Weather : Warm, with that feeling of urge to pee your pants. (Does anyone else ever get that?)
"Barret, Barret, remember at your birthday last year when we first saw that stone that has 'The Butt Family' engraved on it?" - Me.
"What? The what Family?"- Barret.
"The BUTT Family!"
"Holy Shit! YOU'RE RIGHT, I REMEMBER THAT!"
I then point to the engraved stone that reads, "THE BUTT FAMILY".
Barret's laughter dures 5 minutes whilst he rolls around on various benches nearly vomiting and crying out to the 10 or so people in the park, "The Butt FAMILY!!! HAHAHAH!"
A stranger walks over to Barret as he leans against the pillar (clutching his aching sides) where the name's of families who contributed to the park development are enscribed. The woman is wearing large, oversized (almost novelty) glasses. The thick lenses and wide frames themselves are cause for laughter. Her posture is that of someone who is irate, irrational, and possibly, Sheila Butt.
"Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Sheila Butt."
Barret, astonished, yet with a very quick rebound time, "WELL! Pleased to meet you!" He sticks out his hand and tries to shake hers vigorously, yet hers remains somewhat limp.
"You find my last name funny." She really actually states it. It's not like anyone who's last name is Butt really needs to ask if their last name is funny.
"Yes, indeed I kind of do!"
"Well I've been living in Laurier for 40 years. How many years have you lived here?"
I'd like to take a moment here to point out that this part of the conversation doesn't really make much sense. Yet, for some reason, she thought this was a stellar counter-point. Why? Who knows?
"All my life! 14 years!" - Barret.
After responding, with a tone of affirmation to her question. She moves in closely so as I cannot hear. Nonetheless, Barret has filled in the holes.
"Did you know that "butt" means target in Old English. Because it does."
Again, she simply states what she asks. Again, who cares? What does that even mean?
"Well, no, I can't say I did know that."
"Well Barret what is your last name?"
"McNally."
(I was kind of expecting her to try to make a clever pun or play-on-words out of his last name... GOOD LUCK. Your last name is BUTT!)
"Where do you live Barret?"
"Just over there." He points in the general direction of his house.
The rest isn't important. What is important is the fact that the Butt Family was at the Park that day, simply enjoying an afternoon in the sun, when all of a sudden and without warning, a sick, sick mind had to ruin the day.
Unfortunately, her last name is still Butt.
No matter how long she lives in Laurier... I don't think it's going to change.
Time of day : Afternoon
Weather : Warm, with that feeling of urge to pee your pants. (Does anyone else ever get that?)
"Barret, Barret, remember at your birthday last year when we first saw that stone that has 'The Butt Family' engraved on it?" - Me.
"What? The what Family?"- Barret.
"The BUTT Family!"
"Holy Shit! YOU'RE RIGHT, I REMEMBER THAT!"
I then point to the engraved stone that reads, "THE BUTT FAMILY".
Barret's laughter dures 5 minutes whilst he rolls around on various benches nearly vomiting and crying out to the 10 or so people in the park, "The Butt FAMILY!!! HAHAHAH!"
A stranger walks over to Barret as he leans against the pillar (clutching his aching sides) where the name's of families who contributed to the park development are enscribed. The woman is wearing large, oversized (almost novelty) glasses. The thick lenses and wide frames themselves are cause for laughter. Her posture is that of someone who is irate, irrational, and possibly, Sheila Butt.
"Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Sheila Butt."
Barret, astonished, yet with a very quick rebound time, "WELL! Pleased to meet you!" He sticks out his hand and tries to shake hers vigorously, yet hers remains somewhat limp.
"You find my last name funny." She really actually states it. It's not like anyone who's last name is Butt really needs to ask if their last name is funny.
"Yes, indeed I kind of do!"
"Well I've been living in Laurier for 40 years. How many years have you lived here?"
I'd like to take a moment here to point out that this part of the conversation doesn't really make much sense. Yet, for some reason, she thought this was a stellar counter-point. Why? Who knows?
"All my life! 14 years!" - Barret.
After responding, with a tone of affirmation to her question. She moves in closely so as I cannot hear. Nonetheless, Barret has filled in the holes.
"Did you know that "butt" means target in Old English. Because it does."
Again, she simply states what she asks. Again, who cares? What does that even mean?
"Well, no, I can't say I did know that."
"Well Barret what is your last name?"
"McNally."
(I was kind of expecting her to try to make a clever pun or play-on-words out of his last name... GOOD LUCK. Your last name is BUTT!)
"Where do you live Barret?"
"Just over there." He points in the general direction of his house.
The rest isn't important. What is important is the fact that the Butt Family was at the Park that day, simply enjoying an afternoon in the sun, when all of a sudden and without warning, a sick, sick mind had to ruin the day.
Unfortunately, her last name is still Butt.
No matter how long she lives in Laurier... I don't think it's going to change.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Sunny sunny Sunnyvale.
It's official.
There is only one good show on TV. We're living in Canada so therefore I think TV should kick ass. Believe me, if TV were as good as Dog On Mars (which, by the way, is now banned at our school because we've played it so damn much because it's so godamn kick ass) we would all stay up all night shitting our pants just waiting for the next show to come on.
Instead, we have to listen to some menopausal grandmother rattle on about contraception, whereas we could change the channel over to some Sunday Night Heat, in order to watch two "characters" (characters?) "wrestle" (wrestle?) in a "ring" (ring?). Wait, scratch that. Otherwise, sure you say, sure we COULD watch CNN and hear about how Iraqis are being decapitated in Iraq. Yet, for some strange reason, I took down my american military "love the draft" banner from my apartment balcony. (No, don't worry, the Confederacy flag stills stands tall).
Regardless, the one good show that I mentioned earlier is, of course, Canadian Cult Classic, "Trailer Park Boys".
Reasons why this is the greatest show in the universe:
1) Julien drinks swish.
2) Mr. Leighey might as well be Jesus.
3) Conky.
4) The show proves everyones greatest fear - Any asshole can show up in your neighborhood and dub themselves "King of the Park".
Because Trailer Park Boys is such a good show, it's rapidly becoming a cult classic. This is good, because if you morons haven't made the connection yet, Canada needs more cult classics. Oh and one more thing! For those of you who don't think this show was crafted by God himself, it's best that you remind yourself of one thing - No one can can prove they own a wrestling ring made out of old mattresses and real turnbuckles. If you can prove me wrong, then maybe I'll agree with you. (But you'll also need to own a sock puppet named Conky who tells you what to do).
In news, we haven't been neglecting the site lately, it's simply that I've been too caught up watching The Green Bastard rock ass in the ring. That and I fear anything posted will only result in another earthquake of retarded comments.
There is only one good show on TV. We're living in Canada so therefore I think TV should kick ass. Believe me, if TV were as good as Dog On Mars (which, by the way, is now banned at our school because we've played it so damn much because it's so godamn kick ass) we would all stay up all night shitting our pants just waiting for the next show to come on.
Instead, we have to listen to some menopausal grandmother rattle on about contraception, whereas we could change the channel over to some Sunday Night Heat, in order to watch two "characters" (characters?) "wrestle" (wrestle?) in a "ring" (ring?). Wait, scratch that. Otherwise, sure you say, sure we COULD watch CNN and hear about how Iraqis are being decapitated in Iraq. Yet, for some strange reason, I took down my american military "love the draft" banner from my apartment balcony. (No, don't worry, the Confederacy flag stills stands tall).
Regardless, the one good show that I mentioned earlier is, of course, Canadian Cult Classic, "Trailer Park Boys".
Reasons why this is the greatest show in the universe:
1) Julien drinks swish.
2) Mr. Leighey might as well be Jesus.
3) Conky.
4) The show proves everyones greatest fear - Any asshole can show up in your neighborhood and dub themselves "King of the Park".
Because Trailer Park Boys is such a good show, it's rapidly becoming a cult classic. This is good, because if you morons haven't made the connection yet, Canada needs more cult classics. Oh and one more thing! For those of you who don't think this show was crafted by God himself, it's best that you remind yourself of one thing - No one can can prove they own a wrestling ring made out of old mattresses and real turnbuckles. If you can prove me wrong, then maybe I'll agree with you. (But you'll also need to own a sock puppet named Conky who tells you what to do).
In news, we haven't been neglecting the site lately, it's simply that I've been too caught up watching The Green Bastard rock ass in the ring. That and I fear anything posted will only result in another earthquake of retarded comments.
